HARRY & MEGHAN CANNABIS JOINTS VENTURE

Billionaire Alki David has offered Prince Harry and Meghan Markle “a golden opportunity” in a lucrative cannabis farm.

Prince Harry baulked at the word “farm”, thinking he may have to engage in manual labour.

He then baulked at the word ‘baulk’ and fell from his polo pony.

An accountant warned them to put their drug investments on ice, saying, “There’s more money in it.”

PETE EVANS WINS THE WOODEN MIXMASTER

Celebrity chef Pete Evans has been awarded for saving the world, one gullible Byron Bay millionaire at a time.

The creamy, saucy chef said the Victorian government’s COVID-19 ad starring Magda Szubanski is “brainwashing”. But that’s taking handwashing too far.

Evans used to sell an amazing ‘light machine’ that switches both on and off.

His new signature meal – The Complete Goose. The new special sauce may contain traces of disinfectant.

AN APP A DAY KEEPS THE COVID AWAY

PM Scott Morrison often calls the COVIDSafe app a “critical tool” whilst looking in a mirror.

A spokeswoman staying 1.5 metres away from her brain said, “COVIDSafe’s false sense of security is 100 per cent reliable.”

A Deep State conspiracist said, “The app will control everyone’s minds, as soon as we figure out how to make it work.”

AUSTRALIAN VALUES DROPPING

Immigration Minister Alan Tudge will add more “Australian values” questions to citizenship tests like, ”What are you staring at, mate, am I wearing somethin’ of yours?”

A government spokeswoman said, “This will give immigrants Aussie skills, like whingeing about immigrants.

They will also be able to shout in Bunnings in English.

‘English’ is very Australian, unless it’s a person, in which case it’s a Pommy bastard who should go back where they came from.”

REPUBLICAN CONVENTION OVEN

US President Donald Trump has warned a crowd of 2000 Republicans that Joe Biden will create chaos like Trump’s chaos, but it will be worse, in the sense that it will be the same.

Reading backwards from an upside-down Bible, Trump ordered the crowd to ignore Vladimir Putin standing behind him drinking a glass of water.

US First Lady Melania Trump mistakenly acknowledged the hardship caused by the pandemic. But an unmasked man shouted, “I’ll give you my ventilator when you pry it from my cold dead hands next week.”

Sadly, the people in the barefaced, tightly-packed crowd may not survive to vote in the election.

In other news …

• MINISTER FOR AGED CARE STORMS OUT OF PARLIAMENT BUT SADLY COMES BACK
• ANTI-VAXXERS TO SAVE THE PLANET BY WIPING OUT THE PEOPLE
• FLAT EARTHER SLIPS ON LOGIC FLAW AFTER CIRCULAR ARGUMENT
• ARTS COMMUNITY EVEN MORE UNEMPLOYED THAN BEFORE
• RUGBY BODY HAS NO NECK

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson