Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: They call it ‘dope’ for a very good reason
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The Ferguson Report: They call it ‘dope’ for a very good reason

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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CANNABUSTED!

NSW Drug and Firearms Squad detectives have seized $5.5 million worth of cannabis, ending Australia’s marijuana market forever.

Authorities have spent decades trying to stub out marijuana, also known as ‘dope’, ‘hooch’ or ‘huh?’

A cop guzzling a rum & rum said, “We’ve saved millions from giggles and corn chips.”

Pro-cannabis protesters are writing a petition very, very slowly. A slurring slursman said, “Dope robs you of ambition to finish things, like Arts degrees and… sentences… and…”

Sadly, one pro-pot protester has kicked the bucket-bong.

A policeman was sacked after misunderstanding the meaning of “joint task force”. He promised to turn over a new leaf, so he was sacked again.

MILITIA BUBBLEBLOODBATH

American militia groups have shot themselves in the foot and mouth.

Right-wing nutters stayed home on election day, despite promising to protect democracy from voters with extreme violence and even more extreme prejudice.

A militiaman in combat activewear said, “We wanted a bloodbath, but it blocks the Jacuzzi.”

Only when it was too late did they arrive to ‘Stop The Count’, but he’d disappeared after announcing “One peanut butter sandwich!”

ICAC, UCAC, WE ALL CACK FOR ICAC

The government’s proposed anti-corruption commission (ICAC) has hit a stumbling block against its own head.

Crossbenchers (who normally crossbench in private) have criticised the commission which the government named ‘Crime and Mild Admonishment’.

A government spokesman who sleeps with the fishes in his spare time insisted, “Crime doesn’t pay penalty rates.”

JOE HOCKEY

Former treasurer and US ambassador Joe Hockey sipped Kool-Aid as he claimed that there was “fraud” in the presidential election and that the US electoral system is a “dog’s breakfast.”

But a kelpie said, “I’ve never met a dog who had a problem with breakfast.”

ZOMBIE-FILLED ASTEROID HEADED FOR EARTH WILL BE A BLESSED RELIEF

2020 will end with the cataclysmic collision of our tiny planet and an asteroid full of what Peter Dutton is calling “Zombie immigrants”.

A Melbourne man sporting a Melbourne tan said, “The flesh-eating frenzy sounds better than what we’ve had to put up with.” The inner-city hipster calls his 6-month lockdown complexion “a whiter shade of kale”.

Conspiracy theorists who predicted the coming apocalypse said, “We told you so,” for the 87,000th time this century.

There is doom and gloom for everyone. A section of the asteroid will split off and crash into Byron Bay, filled with horrors such as vaccines, fluoride and bacon.

In other news …

  • BIDEN BEATS TRUMAN
  • FOREIGN BANK EMPLOYEE SACKED FOR GIVING $350 MILLION TO RANDOM EMAIL ‘FRIEND’
  • GREENS LEADER AND NATIONAL’S LEADER CORRECTLY TELL EACH OTHER TO RESIGN
  • TRUMP LAUNCHES 2024 CAMPAIGN: “MAKE AMERICA MINE AGAIN”
  • OPINION POLL RENAMED ‘POLL-ISH’

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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