News National The Ferguson Report: Vegans weep for the egg that hit Anning
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The Ferguson Report: Vegans weep for the egg that hit Anning

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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VEGANS PROTEST ANNING EGGING

Vegans are up in artichokes over the recent egging of Senator Fraser Anning.

Anning, who is hugely popular with the 19 Oompa Loompas who voted for him, made comments so ill-placed, his words have moved to an undisclosed location.

A 17-year-old protester threw an egg at Anning. The Senator punched the boy in self-defence. As the boy retreated, Anning punched him in even more self-defence.

A gang of Oompas then laid into the boy in a flurry of self-defence.

“Throwing eggs makes my protein-free blood boil at room temperature,” a Vegan bean-counter said, with all the strength he could muster.

Vegan alternatives to egging include a dab of mashed potato flung from a chopstick, homeopathic water full of angry word energy and a peanut (if the thrower is strong enough to lift it).

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS GOVERNMENT

Recent polling by the not-so-Liberal government shows that leafy, loofah-ed suburbs are turning a sickly shade of green. Tony Abbott’s spongey-soft seat of Warringah (they’re the sinners who voted for gay marriage against Tony’s orders) no longer like coal. And they’re planning to go coal turkey on fossil fools.

This has transformed coal from being a political pinhead’s passionfruit to electoral ectoplasm.

A government spokeswoman standing on her head said, “Who knew that solar power was actual ‘Daylight Saving’?

A not-so-young Liberal denied Scott Morrison stood in parliament brandishing a piece of coal: “It was just a piece of carbon compressed beneath the earth for millions of years.”

GREENS VERSUS PORK CHOPS

Accidental Prime Minister Scott ‘ScoMogedddon’ Morrison declared “Our policy is not to deal with One Nation.”

“But we deal around One Nation,” said a government contortionist naked on a unicycle.

“We must choose who to favour preference-wise.

“On the right, we have a buzz-cut, book-toasting gaggle of squawking, pointy-headed sheep-sniffers. On the left is a prudish, cucumber-truncheon-waving brigade of craft beer-bellied market-gardenweeders.”

“It’s ‘Conservatives’ versus ‘Conservationists’. Or is it the other way round? Either way, they’re both flogging dead dingbats.”

A Liberal Party source speaking from his hot air farm said, “Do we give ourselves a Green light? Or a road sign full of bullet holes? We choose the bullet holes, for obvious reasons.”

In other news…

TURKISH LEADER DIDN’T MEAN WHAT HE SAID WHEN HE SAID WHAT HE MEANT

CAT “MAN’S BEST FRIEND” BETWEEN SLEEPING, EATING, SCHEMING

AUSSIE VOTERS IN IT FOR THE SAUSAGE SIZZLE

HIPSTERS DRESS LIKE SHOOTERS, FISHERS & FARMERS

PARENTS AGAINST SEX EDUCATION DON’T KNOW WHERE GRANDKIDS COME FROM

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