News National The Ferguson Report: ScoMo’s crew gets down and dirty
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The Ferguson Report: ScoMo’s crew gets down and dirty

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HIP HOP OOPS

Scott Morrison has apologised for tweeting a clip with the Hip Hop song, Be Faithful by Fatman Scoop. A spokesman said, “Hip Hop lyrics can be offensive? Who knew??”

The song’s lyrics include ‘To all my #@%$ that they &%*@ from the %$#*’.

“Grammatical symbols are offensive,” said a National Party minister pulling his pants on.

The chorus exclaims, “Get your hands up!” The clip shows the LNP caucus getting their hands up.

“Get your hands up what?” said the spokesman. “Whatever it is, none of the options are party policy.”

It is illegal to satirise parliamentary footage. The government claims it will now be even more illegal.

MEDICAL MARIJUANA SAME AS MARIJUANA

Medicinal marijuana products are about to waft onto Australia’s pharmacy shelves.

Due to a century of successful prohibition, no Australian has ever smoked marijuana.

“I look forward to my first experience of this amazing substance,” said a 60-year-old hippy. “Will it make me feel dizzy?”

A Greens spokesbeing said, “Smoke dope, eat soap, fly in a bubble.”

The medical industry is cautiously cautious. “Perhaps it will make my writing legible,” said a doctor. (We can’t show you his face due to him being off it.)

One ‘amateur researcher’, speaking from a Volkswagen, recommended homeopathic marijuana. “It has no dangerous side effects. In fact, it has no effect.”

But a government minister whose name shall remain forgotten warned, “We’ll become like Canada and Holland, without the booming economies and low crime rates. We’ll lose our memories, like Finland and Norway and Finland.”

SPELLING ERA

Thirteen years of school is not long enough to teach students the difference between spelling “your” and “you’re”.

A tearful spokesman for the Education Department said, “Two words with different spelling – it’s incredibly complex.”

To keep up with Millennial language trends, the subject English will now be called English-ish.

“We hate old people from the Grammar Alt-Right,” tweeted a spokeswoman. “I ask you, when does a sentence end? When the grammatical imperatives are fulfilled? Or when I stop texting? It’s excruci8ing.”

Asked about teaching the difference between “there” and “they’re”, she said, “There’s a difference?”

MORRISON GOVT RADICALLY STAYS THE SAME

MALCOLM TURNBULL SEEN IN SPEEDOS ON BICYCLE CHEWING ONION

GOVT PRE-SELECTS MALE CANDIDATE OUT OF HABIT

DUTTON ACCUSES ‘ROMAN QUAEDVLIEG’ OF BEING ANAGRAM OF ‘MOVIE QUADRANGLE’

TRUMP CLAIMS HURRICANE FLORENCE IS NOT HAPPENING