I was browsing online this week and attracted to some clickbait advertising the top shoe trends of summer 2020. In an unfortunate turn up for the books, I hate all of them.
Top of the list were black and white cowboy boots which I can safely say I will never, ever be in, not even if I’m dead. I wonder what they think we should be wearing those with? Cut off jean shorts? Party dresses? A pantsuit? My answer to that is ‘pass’.
The next breathless suggestion was combat boots. I don’t know about you, but when it’s 38 degrees in the shade, 12 kilo army-issue combat boots are the first thing I think of, in order to offset my lightweight cotton dress.
There is the summery promise of sweaty feet, squished toes, not to mention all that extra weight to drag around the shops.
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The next shoe the list recommended (this was becoming very compelling in a ‘what in God’s name are they thinking?’ sort of way) were those square-toed sandals that were actually the shoe of last summer, if I remember correctly, and I hated them then.
Also, to be a fashion crank, I would like to point out that this style was re-ignited by Bottega Veneta and now, one year later, they are just High Street knock-offs.
The geniuses behind the online style guide called them ‘leg lengthening” when they are in fact the opposite – the abrupt horizontal cut-off actually makes your foot look shortened and spreads your toes T-Rex-style, so my big tip is stay away from green or yellow toenail varnish.
Number four (by this time I was boiling the jug to make tea) was kitten heeled mules, again, one of my least favourite shoes styles for Occupational Health and Safety reasons. The heels are designed to hook in every grate, catch on every step, and cause your foot to list savagely and unexpectedly every now and again, causing severe heel pain and/or a twisted ankle on your big night out.
I was up to five now and reaching for the chocolate biscuits when I read “square-toed boots”. These, I am reliably informed, and I’m sure my podiatrist friends would agree, are potentially the most uncomfortable boots you could opt for and ugly as well. This was literally a laundry list of the most truly hideous footwear ever invented.
Number six. Clogs. Clogs, people. Me, and the voice of my dear mother from the Other Side, are here to tell you that clogs are a direct path to cracked heels that may or may not ever recover, despite years of restorative heel balm.
Tip number 7 was high heeled sandals with long ties that you lace around the bottom of your trousers and, number 8, oversized chunky sneakers, cumbersome and ridiculous. I had now lost the will to live.
I’m just going to buy a pair of thongs.