That sinking feeling when you go shopping for a swimsuit
A 'Sunflower' one-piece from Sea Folly's latest collection. Photo: Instagram
Sooo ladies, get excited. It’s swimsuit shopping time.
And yes to body-positivity and yes, we are all beach-body ready no matter what shape and size we are. But geez, I find it an unpleasant task.
I don’t seem to be very good at it, which is why I keep reaching for a black Sea Folly one-piece I bought about eight years ago. (I loved it so much I bought two black and one navy in the same style, so I have actually been rotating three.)
It’s just a great swimsuit for curvy women of a certain age – the halter neck is flattering, the half pads hold your bosoms up, the ruching across the tummy area is forgiving and the boy-leg cut means everything is neatly covered.
But I decided I should branch out. Body-positivity, let’s do it! I bought a pair of high-waisted black briefs, and a bra top with boning, hinting at a sort of Fifties pinup – if she had a largish roll of dimpled fat circling her ribs.
But my torso has not seen sun since I was about 12, and it’s a shade of greyish white not often seen in nature. So, nah. I then bought a Speedo rash top with long sleeves to put over the bikini, which all felt a bit over the top for a quick dip at Bronte.
Then, horribly hung-over one morning, I did some spectacularly unfocused internet browsing and found a fabulous zip-front, one-piece which I thought was a swimsuit with long sleeves and high-cut legs.
Wonderful! A sort of ageing Bond Girl look which would also prevent the harsh summer sun from creating more white spots on my skin.
A Fifties-style bikini by Lisa Marie Fernandez. Photo: Lisa Marie Fernandez.
My addled brain also did not do the correct calculation from UK pounds, so when I opened the box one week later I discovered that I had bought the most expensive designer wetsuit in Australia.
Undaunted, I returned to the internet and found a strapless one-piece, ruched across the tummy, in the most beautiful shade of sky blue. Done. It arrived and I remembered why strapless boob tubes are not a thing when you are a DD cup.
A one-shoulder stretch-velvet swimsuit from Chloe. Photo: Net-A-Porter
I bought a low-cut one-piece in black lace, with flirty frill details, because a wet flamenco dancer is a look we want to emulate. I tried a number of floral options, just for the sheer amusement on instantly adding 20 years.
There are, of course, current trends to consider – velvet swimsuits are a thing, something I’d back if they dry quickly.
High-waisted, high-cut bikini briefs are also a thing, hiked up high over the hipbones, ’80s style. This is quite a fierce look, even if you have discernible hipbones.
Itsy-bitsy, animal-print bikinis with your assets straining against the fabric are also the bomb, according to @Emrata, Kendall Jenner, the Kardashians and every other bikini model on Instagram so, yay.
View this post on Instagram
Orpheus in Leopard. Some sizes still avail!
A post shared by Inamorataswim (@inamorataswim) on
I’m going back to my old Sea Folly. I feel 100 per cent beach-body ready in that.
Why these Aussie celebs were invited to Met Gala
Met Gala’s green carpet and Zendaya’s double take
