COVID AD LEAVES PEOPLE BREATHLESS
The government will scrap its advertisement featuring a young woman gasping at a ventilator as if her acting career is over.
A fright-wing spokeswoman said, “The commercial has two powerful messages – ‘Stay home!’ and ‘Get vaccinated!'”
Viewers are warned not to do both simultaneously.
The ad has scared people into inaction.
The government marketing department (which is the entire government) is creating horror movies – The Vaxorcist and Hallowheeze.
Fortunately, the advertisements have not gone viral.
MELBURNIANS GETTING A LOCKDOWN TAN EVEN PALER THAN THEIR LAST LOCKDOWN TAN
The Melbourne-Sydney intercity rivalry has hit feeble pitch as the two locked-down cities declared uncivil war.
A Melbourne goatee attached to a lumberjack outfit said, “What Sydney has in glamour, we make up for with culture.”
(NOTE: Readers are warned that ‘Australian culture’ contains foreign rip-offs.)
A Melbourne man in a pre-postmodern flannelette shirt said, “Melbourne’s shoulder-chip is way larger than Sydney’s. Melbourne wins again!”
As Sydney struggles under lockdown, Melbourne is sending a convoy of one-upmanships.
TIMES AND TIMES AGAIN
The New York Times and Britain’s Financial Times have savaged PM Scott Morrison, saying his COVID response has seen him go from a “rooster to a feather duster”.
A ruffled Morrison beat his own drumstick in defiance of their clusterpluck.
Revolving on a firmly-wedged spike, he sorrowfully sang the Cyndi Lauper classic, “If your vaccine is lost you won’t find it, times after times…”
Morrison was not prepared for the new strain. He thought the Delta variant was a new Toyota model.
He claimed, “Australians are thick-skinned so it takes longer to stick the needle in.”
An insider who prefers to remain senseless said, “The lack of vaccinations stems from the government turning back the boats that were carrying the supplies.”
INVISIBLE SCULPTURE SAYS IT ALL
City of Sydney Council claims it has quietly stopped construction of the $2.2 million artistic sculpture, ‘The Cloud Arch’. The concept simply ran off the monorails.
But taxpayers assume that, for $2.2 million, The Cloud Arch has been built. And they love it!
“It’s built from actual clouds,” said a greenie. “Definitely renewable.”
“It’s sooo open to interpretation!” said a university Arts student. “Worth every cent of my parents money.”
A spokesman for Mayor Clover Less-Is-Moore said, “It looks like a Bitcoin but even more imaginary.”
The sculpture is now described as cloudy with a chance of coming down in the last shower.
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Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson