Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: UFO believers demand a rigorous, in-depth probe
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The Ferguson Report: UFO believers demand a rigorous, in-depth probe

ferguson report
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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QANON GIVING SATANISM A BAD NAME

The ABC’s Four Corners has aired a report on Australian believers in QAnon, a squabble of pigeon-chasing tyre-kickers building happy-clapping space lasers.

Australia’s 20,000-odd QAnon followers believe the world is run by Satanists who are left-wing but organised.

Australian Satanists are Aussie mums and dads who cavort around backyard barbecues, smacking each other with cricket-bats (a diabolical cross between crickets and bats).

Four Corners investigated an alleged friend of the PM who told family members he can “talk to cockroaches”.

This common Australian practice is unremarkable, unless the cockroaches talk back.

QUEEN’S BIRTHDAY HONOURS LISTING TO ONE SIDE

Sky News host Peta Credlin has been appointed an Officer of the Order of Australia for her selfless work in nursing, feeding the homeless, firefighting, medical research, emergency assistance, aged care, disability support and sporting achievements.

INVASION OF THE UNIDENTIFIED FUZZY OBJECTS

Footage of an unidentified fuzzy object has conclusively proven UFOs are in fact blurry and possibly cuddly.

A US Air Force pilot who filmed a UFO said, “Luckily, I didn’t use my F-18 camera’s easy zoom-in function. Should’ve brought my iPhone”.

But amateur gullibologist, Isa Wideshut said, “It’s hard to shoot shaky, blurry footage on an iPhone camera with auto-focus and 4K high-res.”

A new app has been released for UFO chasers. It causes the iPhone to shake, the screen to dim and the imagination to swirl.

One UFOlogist submitted photographs of thousands of sightings taken in broad daylight. Sceptics had another word for them … “clouds”.

NEW LAWS TO BAN DISCRIMINATION AGAINST DISCRIMINATION

Attorney-General Michaelia Cash is rewriting the contentious Religious Discrimination Bill, decriminalising indiscriminate discrimination incrimination.

The new laws will allow conversion therapy for sinful behaviour such as eating lobster with French lemon butter sauce (Leviticus 11:9-12), wearing nylon/cotton blend activewear (Leviticus 19:19) and tweaking your goatee (Leviticus 19:17).

Meanwhile, Australia is receiving therapy for the conversion of Michaelia Cash to Attorney-General and Christian Porter to nobody.

JOYCE WHAT WE NEEDED

Barnaby Joyce MP said Sri Lankan refugee girls Tharnicaa and Kopika would be treated differently if their names were ‘Jane’ or ‘Sally’. Or ‘Barnaby’.

They would also be treated differently if they’d been born in Australia. No … wait …

In other news …

  • PFIZER IS THE NEW 50
  • AUSTRALIA CLUB BANS WOMEN WHO WANT TO BE MEMBERS OF A CLUB THAT DOESN’T WANT THEM
  • CAT NOT ANGRY, JUST DISAPPOINTED. IN YOU, OBVIOUSLY.
  • MAN WITH WHITE PRIVILEGE DOESN’T WANT TO SHARE IT
  • MORRISON GOVT RUNNING OUT OF NEW & EXCITING WAYS TO SCREW UP VACCINATIONS

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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