Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: After Craig Kelly, just how nutty could PM’s QAnon pal be?
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The Ferguson Report: After Craig Kelly, just how nutty could PM’s QAnon pal be?

ferguson report
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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MASSIVE STING CAUSES SLIGHT BUMP

Federal Police and the FBI have swooped upon drug dealers after a long investigation. It could have been shorter if they’d simply stopped every Lamborghini driven by a muscleman with a face tattoo.

The massive haul of cash seized was almost as much as a drug lord makes in a slow week.

The FBI and The Federal Police have reality TV shows in the works:

  • Toking With The Stars
  • Keeping Up With The Car In Front Of Us
  • The Great British Hash-Cookie Off
  • So You Think You Can SnortReally Top Gear

WHERE’S THE BEEF EATER?

A UK survey reveals children on vegan diets are on average 1.2 inches shorter than normal kids. Vegan half-pints will now be known as ‘quarter-pints’.

The height anomaly is because they are missing the horns. Either that or the kids are just cringing.

A lofty meat-eater exclaimed, “They just need to eat more giraffe.”

It is believed the children might be suffering under the constant head-patting of coddling, calorie-counting parents.

A vegan parent said, “The kids will make up for it later on when they get on their high horse.”

ABC’s QAnon-STARTER

The ABC’s lawyers have backed a report linking Scott Morrison to a man involved in a nutty conspiracy theory who is not Craig Kelly MP.

ABC lawyers are in the tiny demographic of people who went to private school and drive BMWs but nonetheless vote for The Greens.

The report’s mystery man is allegedly a believer in QAnon, a conspiracy theory bent on proving The Satanic Democrat Cannibals is not just a great band name.

QAnon is popular with Donald Trump fans from the far-right … no, a bit further … keep going … getting warmer … righter … righter … Did you pack a lunch?

An ABC lawyer refused to comment, saying the issue is best left unsaid … correction … The issue is best left.

A Sky News commentator said he doesn’t know where these whacko conspiracies come from.

US MARINES TO DEFEND EMPTY DESERT

Defence Minister Peter Dutton-Up-Top has confirmed US Marines will be stationed in Australia’s north.

Mr Dutton warned of “miscalculation or misunderstanding” such as the Vietnam War, Iraq War and Afghanistan War.

As a safety measure, the Marines will be kept in detention on Christmas Island.

In other news …

  • PHILOSOPHY GRADUATE STILL LOOKING FOR A PHILOSOPHY JOB
  • HETERONORMATIVE IS THE NEW NORMATIVE
  • EXCLUSIVE OFFERS CANCELLED FOR BEING UNINCLUSIVE
  • TRUMP CLAIMS HIS TROUSERS WERE NOT ON BACKWARDS. HE WAS STANDING BACKWARDS.
  • CHANGE.ORG PETITION ENDS CAPITALISM!

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson