Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Anti-vaxxers in disbelief as vaccinated fail to drop dead
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The Ferguson Report: Anti-vaxxers in disbelief as vaccinated fail to drop dead

Tim Ferguson
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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PARENTS TELL TEENS ‘YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND US!’

Two troubled parents have rolled their eyes and left the dinner table in a huff.

Their teenage children, weary and overworked, sighed in helpless frustration. “The therapist said they’ll improve if we encourage their diet of red wine and OxyContin.”

The poor teens are sick of being ‘controlled’ by free food, board and laptops. Playing free Xbox leaves them with barely enough energy to complain.

The parents threw open their bedroom door and screamed, “You are not the boss of us!”

They slammed the door.

Then they opened it.

And slammed it again.

VACCINATED VICTIMS YET TO BE TAKEN TO MOTHERSHIP

Anti-vaxxers are wondering why vaccinated Australians are happily going about their lives, despite their imminent head-exploding doom.

“Why haven’t the QAnon G5 nano-bots activated?” said a squirrel-headed wingnut who believes everything he sees on Twitter, including the memes.

An embarrassed evil mastermind who identifies as a lizard-person explained.

“Unfortunately, my minions transmitted my diabolical plan via the NBN.”

A naturopath said, “The vaccine only works if you really believe it will work.”

NSW GOING FISSION

The NSW State Government Productivity Commission (not an oxymoron) has a plan for nuclear power generation. The plan has been described as “bold”, “forward-thinking” and other words that should scare them off it.

“We want to have our yellow cake and eat it to.”

All workers will receive a gold chain reaction on retirement.

When asked about the dangers of putting beer-loving Aussies in charge of nukes, a spokeswoman said she couldn’t give a Fukushima.

FRENCH SUBS SINKING FUND HARD TO FATHOM

The Defence Department is looking at alternatives to French submarines, despite the fact French-designed subs are more fashionable.

The Department is looking at new designs from Australia’s close friends Russia, North Korea and anyone who promises to keep a secret.

A spokeshelmet said, “The French are offended we call their underwater designers ‘Frogmen’.”

The $9 billion contract is plagued by “multiple cost and timetable blowouts”, meaning we’ve paid the money but the builders don’t answer the phone.

DENTAL AS ANYTHING

Orthodontists are using a “separation and divorce policy” to avoid parents fighting over who should pay for their children’s braces if their marriages fall apart due to financial problems caused by orthodontic costs.

Critics of the policy are accusing orthodontists of being a bunch of denture capitalists.

Couples are already filling for divorce.

In other news

  • ATHEIST FEELING SMUG DESPITE ACCEPTING LIFE’S BLEAK MEANINGLESSNESS
  • POLITICAL THINKTANK CONTAINS BUBBLING TREASURE CHEST
  • WITHDRAWN AFGHANISTAN TROOPS MISSING INACTION
  • YOUNG CONSERVATIVE NOT SURE HOW TO GET MORE CONSERVATIVE AS HE AGES

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson