Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Trump rises from the dark depths of his drawers
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The Ferguson Report: Trump rises from the dark depths of his drawers

Tim Ferguson
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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FACEBOOK BANS TRUMP’S ANTIFACTERIAL FACE-BLURTS

Former United States President/golfer Donald Trump has defied his Facebook ban with his new blog, “From The Drawers Of Donald J. Trump”.

“Until now, Donald’s drawers were only famous for being dropped in Russian hotels,” said a social media specialist (otherwise known as ‘someone with too much time on their hands’).

Trump has also started his own “United States of America First”. It has half a wall, putt-putt-putt golf and elections rigged the right way.

Trump hopes to go down in history, but only if it goes down in him first.

SCO-CONE LICKED

PM Scott ‘Sco-Cone’ Morrison says the threat of jail or fines for Aussies returning from India is “serious” but “highly unlikely”.

Coincidentally, his governing style is serious but highly unlikely.

On Channel Nine’s Here Today Show, Karl Stefanovic accused Mr Morrison of being “incredibly heartless”. A spokeswoman said, “Rubbish! Mr Morrison’s heartlessness is totally credible”.

Morrison has instructed the ATO to fine all Australians for being in Australia. The ATO replied, “We already do.”

Meanwhile, the crowd-pleasing Labor Party has demanded the border be opened and closed at the same time.

The Greens complained both major parties are identical, but that could just be the cannabinoids talking.

HEALTH DEPARTMENT ACCUSES NDIS OF ‘PUTTING IT ON’

The Health Department claims the NDIS is a great idea, up to the point where it’s put into practice, after which the program should be disabled.

“We don’t want people on the scheme to limp to any conclusions,” said a spokeswoman. “But it’s cheaper if we make people living with lifelong disabilities live less long.”

The NDIS is trialling “independent assessors”. These Centrelink management rejects will grill people with disabilities in three-hour interviews.

“It’s a great money saver,” said the spokeswoman. “If you can survive a three-hour interview, you probably aren’t sick.”

Meanwhile, the government will spend the money saved on it own life support.

CRICKETER’S OPINION TAKEN SERIOUSLY

A cricketer has delivered a political speech online after missing his chance at the Oscars.

Retired Test cricketer Michael Slater hit the Prime Minister’s India travel ban for a six googly leg-before-thingummy.

Slater had more to say but was interrupted by the “time’s-up” music.

A bowler complained, “The travel ban is like rubbing sandpaper on our balls.”

In other news …

  • THE EASILY-OUTRAGED OUTRAGED THEY’RE SO EASILY OUTRAGED
  • UNION JACK ON AUSTRALIAN FLAG SYMBOLISES MULTICULTURALISM
  • YOGA “GRACEFUL AND DIGNIFIED” BETWEEN FARTS
  • CONSPIRACY THEORIST BELIEVES IN THE EXISTENCE OF ‘SHEEPLE’
  • ‘PANTS MAN’ NOW WISHES TO BE KNOWN AS ‘LEGGINGS MAN’

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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