VEGAN NUMBERS RISING FASTER THAN METHANE

Research by culinary website Chef’s Pencil reveals a disturbing rise of veganism among previously interesting people.

Australia is the second-most vegan nation in the world, behind only the UK, where food was already dangerously lacking in flavour.

Many interesting conversations about politics, philosophy and The Bachelor are being rudely interrupted by earnest declarations:

“Did I mention I’m vegan?”

“Did I mention that I mentioned I’m vegan?”

“You are rolling your eyes at me – it could be Mad Cows Disease.”

A vegan named Megan said, “There are too many methane-producing cows warming the planet.”

Meat-lovers declared they are working on the problem.

POX AMERICANA

Fifty per cent of Americans say the other 50 per cent of Americans are communist riot-rabblers.

50 per cent of Americans say the other 50 per cent of Americans are fascist neck-kneelers. Both sides are 100 per cent right.

Joe Biden’s most attractive asset is that after his Inauguration speech, he will drop dead. Donald Trump claims Trump is the best man to fix the hateful chaos caused by Trump.

Fortunately for the safety of democracy, most Americans don’t vote. Trump’s followers are expected to not vote. Twice.

WORLD STOPS AS FORMER PMs SAY SOMETHING OR OTHER

The former prime ministers of a little known island somewhere in the Pacific (or Indian?) Ocean said something or other about whatever.

Kevin Rudd, loved by all who are Kevin Rudd, has a popularity rating of .07 with a 100 per cent margin of error.

Former PMs Paul Keating, John Howard and Malcolm Turnbulltwang announced their own barbecue-stoppers. But no one is having barbecues.

Thankfully, Tony Abbott kept quietly working for the English, as always.

‘OSCAR AWARDS’ IS A BOY’S NAME. DISCUSS.

Movies must meet diversity standards in order to qualify for Best Picture at the Oscars.

To win an Oscar, movies must have at least one main character from an under-represented group such as non-Marvel superheroes and North Korean comedians.

Meanwhile, right-wing groups attacked Hollywood’s “negative stereotyping of minorities” such as serial-killers, Nazis and anyone on the Dark Side of the Force. A spokesman in a Make America Germany Again hat said, “Hollywood gives pure evil a bad name.”

“The new guidelines are a Woke-up call,” said a non-species-specific entity.

“Luckily, male-dominated movies featuring wars, gladiators and Moon landings have never been popular.”

In other news…

• TRUMP DOUBLES DOWN ON DOWNPLAYING HIS DOWNPLAYING
• GOOGLE & FACEBOOK SAY FAKE NEWS IS THE BEST NEWS
• DANIEL ANDREWS ROAD MAP OUT OF LOCKDOWN TURNS ROUND & ROUND A ROUNDABOUT THEN HEADS RIGHT DOWN THE GURGLER
• ‘KAREN’ REFUSES TO WEAR A MASK OVER HER VENTILATOR

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson