Now that it’s officially Christmas season, Gwyneth Paltrow is here to help.
Her gift to us now the tree is up and ready to be piled high? The Goop wish list of the world’s most “ridiculous” gifts.
Buckle up, people.
This year, Paltrow has pulled out all stops and sourced goodies for anyone with a budget between $8.80 (portable salt) and $1.9 million (12 trips taken over a year to see endangered species).
To make it easy for those without its founder’s fabled taste, the lifestyle site has divided things up into different sections to make festive buying a snap.
There’s the wellness junkie’s guide – “not to toot our own pelvic floor trainer, but this is where we shine” – and those for men, travellers, cooks, lovers, “the one who has everything”, kids and hosts.
Oh, and a budget guide for anyone who can’t afford more than around $150. Surely Goop wouldn’t expect such hobos to be browsing?
The wellness section is a good place to ease into the buying because it will help you get used to Goop speak.
A lot of it I don’t understand, but it looks and sounds classy as hell.
There’s something called Yoga in a Cup which is “an adaptogenic elixir”, online group coaching for “Awakening the Sacred Feminine”, a workout G-string – because you want something up your clack when running – and $50 toilet paper.
Oh, and if your best friend is a dog and “life is ruff”, why not splash out on some Wellness Centric Doggy Daycare?
If that sounds too wholesome, consider where this high-tech mask with red and blue LED lights could take you:
The men’s guide has your standard cashmere jumpers, a cigar double cutter, a personalised maple and walnut muddler for those whisky sours and a salami subscription.
The baker in the family is looked after with paleo and vegan chocolate chips, a copper crepe pan (“French girl style doesn’t stop at the closet door”) and a culinary tour of Spain for a tick over $1770 per person per day.
Feeling romantic? Nothing says I love you more than a pair of Kiki de Montparnasse gold handcuffs, “the gold standard in gentle restraint”.
But all of this pales next to the “Ridiculous But Awesome” gift guide which shows Gwyneth has a rocking sense of humour as well as being a business maven who sort of runs the lifestyle world.
So, for anyone with a spare block of land in a super pretty location next to a snowy mountain/crystal lake/private beach, there’s a $162,000 “Modular Prefab Home” from Precht.
Then there’s a custom-made book of happy snaps.
Basically, two photographers tag along on your family holiday and turn the whole thing into a book for $110,000.
There’s a brass fire extinguisher, a $37,000 custom plant music installation (if someone can explain it to me, I’d be grateful), a Louis Vuitton trunk, a dehydrated caviar bar – “need we say more?” – and a trip to outer space that is currently booked out.
If none of that’s floating your boat, there’s a private jet from Bali to Luang Prabang, gravity flight suit training and an infrared sauna blanket that seems a steal at $737 when you think of all the use you’d get out of it.
But if you really want to take a load off at Christmas, a weightlessness chair might be the thing.