1. Shane shame
After a desperate search, The Four Points has uncovered the Australian cricket fan who remains a strong supporter of deposed all-rounder Shane Watson.
The Queensland man, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals, said Watson was unfairly singled out following his Australia’s First Test loss.
“Watto faced more balls than three of the top six,” he said.
“It is a media-led hysteria about him getting out LBW. At least he gives himself a chance of escaping, unlike Clarke and Voges, who hit catches!”
The Watto fan even denied his favourite cricketer was dropped, adding: “It’s an injury keeping Watto out and he is keeping it under wraps for the good of the team. That’s the quality of the bloke.”
The injury? “It’s a minor fracture of the left shin,” the fan admitted sheepishly.
2. Giant exposure
This week’s talentless Internet darling Josh Known has revealed the old-school strategy behind his sudden cyber fame: TV and sport.
“I profile-build at GWS Giants games,” he said.
“The cameramen have so few people in the crowd to shoot that anyone doing anything different gets their attention.”
Known, who dresses in a carrot suit at Giants games, is now famous for a video in which he pulls faces at a cat. He says the AFL expansion team offers publicity-seekers cheap, efficient exposure.
“You get free tickets and can sit wherever you want, target the cameras, and they can’t edit you out because it’s live,” he added.
Known admitted that he follows the directions of veteran hardcore cheer squad show-off, the Head Monk, on when to act the goose, as he hadn’t picked up the nuances of Australian Rules football, like goals.
“I don’t get Aussie Rules. But this is Australia and you can’t make it as a mainstream narcissist without using sport.”
3. Stay away
AFL top brass has been praised by sports consultant James Freud for allegedly jetting off to London to watch Ashes cricket while the media and fans undergo their annual call for rule changes.
“You can set your watch by this whingeing,” Freud said.
“Every year, round 12 to 15, footy overkill sets in, the weather gets a bit gnarly, we have a handful of hard-to-love contests and whammo! Aussie Rules is beyond saving and fundamental rule changes are demanded.”
Freud said it was sound leadership to be out of Melbourne during a cold snap in July.
“It really helps the overworked, repetitive complainers to have a chief overseas at a glamorous, warm event to get their high dudgeon up,” he added.
“By spring, the games are good again, the sun is out and the self-haters have got all the bile out of their systems.”
4. Keeping mums
A mother has shocked the Australian commentariat by confessing that she doesn’t mind her children playing contact sports.
“Team sports like footy are good for our kids, and a few bruises are part of life and growing up,” she said.
The Society for Stereotype Preservation labelled the statements “irresponsible” and “damaging” to the cliché that all mothers preferred their children to play soccer or basketball.
“We invite anarchy if we provide a platform for these renegade voices,” said SSP spokesman Rupert Menzies.
“No-one knows why this generation of parents are so fearful, and we don’t care. Society wants a generation of mollycoddled milksops, that’s the story. It is the job of public forums to reflect and nurture that.”