It’s a big weekend for sports fans and socialites alike.
With the AFL grand final on Saturday afternoon, closely followed by the NRL grand final on Sunday night, living rooms and back yards around the country will be full to the brim with screaming fans and enthusiastic bystanders.
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You can sit down, shut up and enjoy the match like everyone else. Or you can make the party one to remember by wreaking havoc and ending friendships.
If you choose the latter, here’s what to do…
When guests arrive tell them you’ve recently gone vegan and all the snacks will be in accordance with this.
Wear a Collingwood/Manly jumper.
Tell everyone that since it’s just such a beautiful day outside “we should really switch this nonsense off”.
Admit you’re more of a tennis fan anyway.
Abuse the players…
…but praise the umpires.
Ask someone for an in-depth explanation of the rules at a really pivotal moment.
Say you’re doing ‘Ocsober’ and you think your friends should do it too. Starting now.
Say you’ve lost your glasses and need a play-by-play of the entire game.
Tell everyone how much better footy was “back in my day”.
Spend the entire time on your phone and laugh uproariously at Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat before forcefully showing it to everyone.
Get stupidly drunk by half-time.
Burn everything on the BBQ. Extra points for starting a fire.
Break a window. Don’t apologise.
Invite everyone to your place, then, right before the match starts, announce that you don’t own a television. “Don’t worry, I have a radio.”
Go looting at half-time.
When you see someone eating a meat pie, slap it out of their hand and scream ‘MEAT IS MURDER’.
Change the channel.