With the highly anticipated rematch between Steve Johnson and Ryan Crowley set down for Saturday night in Geelong, Titus O’Reily bugged Stevie’s phone as the two old mates caught up.

Ryan Crowley: Hello?

Steve Johnson: It’s Steve.

Crowley: Oh, hello Steve. Are you well?

Johnson: Very well thanks. You? Health good?

Crowley: Yes, everything’s good over here. Was hoping you’d call. Too long goes by without us talking during the season.

Johnson: I know. Where does the time go? Anyway, just thought I’d give you a call to discuss this week’s game.

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Crowley: Gee, it’s come around quickly hasn’t it? Again we assume our roles as the hunter and the hunted. And for what? Fame? Glory?

Johnson: We’ve talked about this before Ryan. It’s not our job to question the roles fate has set us. You start tugging on those cosmic threads and the whole world unravels.

Crowley: Well, I was pleased you got cleared by the tribunal anyway.

Johnson: Me too. I’ve been so many times now, I’ve even learnt to tie my own tie.

Pantomime villain: Ryan Crowley. Photo: Getty

Crowley: So what are we going to do this week?

Johnson: Well, I thought we could start with some light jumper grabbing before the siren, then you’ll proceed to hold me at stoppages and running your mouth.

Crowley: Yeah that’s good. When are you going to start cracking it?

Johnson: I thought I’d just gesture to the umpires a lot in the first quarter, then in the second I might grab you back, give away a free.

Crowley: So late in the third you’ll do something to get suspended?

Johnson: Yeah, I’ve had no time to put any thought into what I should do with all this tribunal stuff going on.

Crowley: We can’t do the head butt again, it would be boring and it looked a bit fake last time.

Johnson: Oh yeah, can’t do that. I’m actually a bit annoyed at Conca, something like that would have been great, but now it would just be derivative.

Crowley: Choking?

Johnson: Brian Lake and Drew Petrie did that already.

Crowley: You don’t want to do anything that gets you reported for vilification.

Johnson: Nah. My character’s undisciplined but not a completely horrible person. Got to stay true to character.

Crowley: What about a knee but with sufficient force this time? Be a clever nod to last week’s work. An homage, if you will.

Johnson: I like it. We can scuffle a bit after a tackle, I’ll get up first then do it. Great stuff.

Crowley: Good. Nice to work with a professional again. Boomer’s got no sense of theatre and little Gaz is always too worried about votes. I think this will be really good.

Johnson: Looking forward to it. Stay safe Ryan and see you Saturday.