The AFL has seized control of Victoria, following another week of instability in the Victorian Parliament over controversial Frankston MP Geoff Shaw.
Late Wednesday night, forces loyal to the AFL stormed Parliament in chaotic scenes, seizing both chambers and imprisoning all MPs except Eddie McGuire’s brother Frank, a Labor MP.
In coordinated attacks, the AFL quickly gained control of media networks, leaving only Fox Footy and Channel 7 operating and other vital infrastructure, such as the MCG and Etihad Stadium.
It’s understood the AFL top brass spent the night orchestrating events from David King’s War Room.
Newly appointed Minister for Information Eddie McGuire assured citizens this was a temporary measure and not a coup before announcing ‘Press Red for Ed’ was now mandatory.
Newly appointed Victorian President Gillon McLachlan released a statement saying the AFL could not stand by and watch its home state fall apart.
“Our fans and, more importantly, sponsors, cannot operate in such an unstable environment. We will be providing order and compulsory Auskick clinics to all Victorians.”
South Australia welcomes AFL rule
It’s understood South Australian politicians were quick to hand over power to the AFL, following news of the Victorian Parliament falling.
“If you can’t beat them, join them, right?” said minister Martin Hamilton-Smith.
Northern Territory waiting for a call
The Northern Territory say they are waiting by the phone in the hope the AFL will call.
“Nothing yet but I’ve got the government’s only mobile phone with me in the tinnie, in case they call,” said Chief Minster Adam Giles.
Western Australia secedes … but still keen for footy
Western Australia has used the political upheaval to realise its long-held dream of seceding from the rest of the country.
“Horizontal fiscal equalisation has helped WA for many decades but now we’ve got all these natural resources and what has the east got in return? Nothing,” exclaimed Premier Colin Barnett.
“The Eagles and Dockers will still play in the AFL though.”
Tasmania takeover 10 years away
President-for-life McLachlan said the AFL would look to consolidate gains in the North before annexing Tasmania, despite local’s calls for a plebiscite.
“We’ve got a fight in Sydney and Brisbane and are stuck in guerrilla warfare in western Sydney.”
“I’m also interested in New Zealand and Ireland.”
NRL: This aggression will not stand
In NSW and Queensland, the NRL reacted swiftly to the news, expelling Premiers Mike Baird and Campbell Newman and establishing the ‘People’s Republic of League’ (PRL).
“The PRL will immediately dispatch troops to the NSW/Victorian border under the command of four star General Petero Civoniceva,” said PRL President David Smith.
It is understood the Sydney Swans administration and team are under house arrest, barring Buddy Franklin who fled in a speeding Jeep.
Late last night, the PRL declared the Greater Western Sydney Giants and its member, Andrew, ‘enemies of the state’ but admitted they were having trouble finding them.
“We are not sure they actually exist,” said Smith.
“While we denounce the actions of the AFL, NSW must also have strong leadership in a time of such crisis. Please now send me many bottles of Grange, as is our tradition.”
Early this morning, reports emerged that the Football Federation of Australia are considering taking over the entire country in response.
“Soccer? They’ve been threatening to do that for decades,” said Smith.
Titus O’Reily is a Melbourne writer and broadcaster. You can find more of his work here.