Opinion The Ferguson Report: Harry and Meghan call press conference to announce low profile
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The Ferguson Report: Harry and Meghan call press conference to announce low profile

Tim Ferguson fake news
All the fake news that's fit to print, and some that's not, from Tim Ferguson. Photo: TND
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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have begged for privacy using a Netflix series and skywriting plane.

“The couple will now be minding other people’s business in private,” said a watcher of royal watchers.

“They just want to live like a normal couple. You know, like Johnny and Amber.”

ONCE BITCOIN, TWICE SHY

Cryptocurrencies were a global industry worth hundreds of billions of dollars. In bitcoins.

Now they’re crashing like dummies.

A mime artist said: “Crypto is not worth the paper it’s not printed on.”

“Things are so bad, we’re selling bitcoins for bitcoins.”

Crypto promised no more bulging wallets and fat cheques. Just swollen egos, inflated opinions and billowing sales.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees, but crypto has branches everywhere!” they said.

Crypto is currently worth its weight in cold hard cloud.

In brighter news for investors, air-pockets are for sale! This one-off experience is yours but you have to hurry now!!!!!

DUTTON PROMISES TO REMEMBER THE ‘FORGOTTEN PEOPLE’ NEXT TIME

Liberal Party leader Peter Dutton keeps banging on about the ‘Forgotten People’ – Whatzisname, Whozewhatsit and Thingy.

A spokesman wearing a Cloak of Indivisibility said: “We just call them They Who Cannot Be Named.”

Apologising for forgetting the forgotten people for the last nine years, a Liberal backbencher said: “It’s because ‘quiet Australians’ and the ‘forgotten people’ are as interesting as they sound.”

He then clarified: “The ‘forgotten people’ are not the poor, unemployed or homeless. They’re Clive Palmer voters with short memories.”

A forgotten person said: “Why is it that the forgotten people are forgotten but suddenly remembered at tax time?”

And a voter identified himself as a quiet Australian, immediately proving he isn’t.

ALBANESE BLAMES LABOR GOVERNMENT ON LAST GOVERNMENT

The Albanese government is faced with high inflation, rising cost of living and no submarines to show for it.

“Our timing is terrible,” said a Labor lackey. “We wouldn’t be stuck in government if Scott Morrison has done his job! We’re like the dog who caught the Commonwealth Car.”

A Labor inside-outer said: “We freed the Biloela girls. What more can a government do?”

“The Libs left the place looking like a student share-house. The toilet’s blocked, there’s mould everywhere, but the glass ceiling is still intact.”

In other news…

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  • MPs CELEBRATE MINIMUM WAGE RISE BY ROLLING NAKED ON MONEY PILE
  • PENNY WONG TO VISIT MORE COUNTRIES DOWNER HAS NEVER HEARD OF
  • JAN 6 INQUIRY TOLD TRUMP BECAME DELUSIONAL, SOMETIME IN 1973
  • THIEVES ESCAPE WITH NOTHING AFTER ROBBING EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHESLINE
  • GIANT TAPEWORM DISCOVERED WRITING SMH GOSSIP COLUMN