RUSSIAN ARMY MORALE DROPPING WITH EVERY POINTLESS HORROR
Russian invaders of Ukraine complain they are tiring of their vicious, bloodthirsty assault.
“Our personnel face hunger and cold,” said a Russian fighter. “And the Wi-Fi is terrible!”
Crowd-funding sites are struggling for donations to feed the tinpot marauding horny thugs.
The hearts of the world were going out to the Russians, but went out to lunch instead.
“We are just following orders,” said a hungry Russian grunt chewing a jumper cable. “Where have I heard that before?”
Meanwhile, a new law in Russia makes it illegal to call the “special military operation” a “gutless knee-jerk land-grab with all the organisational skills of a gutless knee-jerk land-grab.”
NOTHING NUCLEAR UNDER THE SUN
Solar power has caused a catastrophic nationwide spillage.
Solar energy from a gigantic space-based generator has spilt onto everything above ground.
A solar specialist who is visible during daytime said, “In fact, solar energy is spilling onto Australia for about 12 hours a day.”
Meanwhile, Opposition Leader Peter Dutton recently declared nuclear energy was “not on the table”.
But, after looking under the table, he put it back on the table. “I’m not afraid to have a discussion on nuclear,” he said, pocketing iodine pills.
It is hoped the perfect safety of nuclear power stations can replace the perilous, life-threatening sun.
MONARCHISTS DECLARE REPUBLIC IS ‘UNDEMOCRATIC’
Monarchists are furious that a minister of the Crown is advocating for the removal of the Crown.
“It’s like a politician trying to get rid of other politicians. No… Wait…”
The Australian Monarchist League (easily recognised by their royal blue knickerbockers and pom-poms), described the republic ministry as “undemocratic.”
Another monarchist explained: “It’s almost as undemocratic as creating a Head of State by breeding.”
Labor’s Matt Thistlethwaite MP is the new Assistant Minister For The Republic That Won’t Happen Straight Away But Will Happen If We All Shout ‘I Believe In Fairies’.
Thistlethwaite was appointed under the strict proviso he does nothing but wave from the window of his passing motorcade.
Thistlethwaite comes from a long line of thistle thwaiters. He claims he can say his name three times without biting his tongue.
The government has promised not to do anything Prince Andrew wouldn’t do, which leaves plenty of wiggle room.
In other news…
- THREE WEEKS OF ALP GOVT & AUSTRALIA STILL NOT FIXED
- NO CONFIDENCE IN BORIS JOHNSON CONFIDENCE VOTE
- GOD NO LONGER BLESSING AMERICA
- ONE NATION DOWN TO ONE-HUNDREDTH NATION AT BEST
- ‘I WILL CHANGE’ SAYS MORRISON DUTTON
- LAWYERS IN MOURNING AS NDIS BOSS RESIGNS
- SYDNEY POLICE HUNTING FILM FESTIVAL BUFFS WHO BEAT UP ORIGIN FANS