Part-Time US President Donald Trump has ordered the withdrawal of US forces from Syria.
“We have defeated ISIS in Syria,” he loudly tweeted.
A Whitehouse spokeswoman said, “The terrorism hot-bed has been reduced to a whoopee cushion.”
The US will leave a power vacuum. “It has double the suction of ordinary Hoovers,” she said.
A Syrian ISIS spokesman said, “Thousands and thousands of Syrian ISIS members are disappointed. We thought we were thriving, but President Trump wouldn’t lie.”
He said the group has been renamed ISISN’T. “Sadly, we must surrender and stop all attacks. Until Tuesday.”
SUGAR DADDY RUSH
Nationals MP Andrew Broad has been mildly embarrassed by the revelation he’s been a ‘Sugar Daddy’. Broad was the first Nationals MP to demand Barnaby Joyce resign over becoming an ‘Actual Daddy’.
Broad is, coincidentally, a staunch advocate against same-sex marriage. It’s not clear how that is working out for him.
Larry Anthony, son of former deputy PM Doug Anthony (praise his holy name!) said Broad “put the bar” too high. But now is not the time for ambiguous metaphors.
A Nationals spokesman speaking from a massage table admitted the crisis has stripped the party bare. “This scandal is Sugar-Daddy-Coated. A spoonful of Daddy-Sugar helps the Newspoll go down.”
Broadly speaking, Broad is not speaking. But Barnaby Joyce had something to say about the matter.
Sadly, he couldn’t be heard over the laughter.
ONE WEEK OF SOFT LABOR
The annual Labor Party Conference succeeded in not mentioning the Labor Party.
Bill ‘Taller Than I Look’ Shorten and Tanya ‘Taller Than Bill’ Plibersek promised their Labor Government will be like a Liberal government but more liberal.
The conference ran with Maoist precision. The Left Faction promised not to say anything and the Right Faction promised not to gloat about it.
Anthony ‘Albo Grease’ Albanese led the Labor masses in a chant:
What do we want?
Nothing that will scare the horses!
When do we want it?
As planned, Australia slept through the whole thing.
WHITE SUPREMACIST STRANGELY SINGLE
A leading white supremacist admits “pure Aussie whites” are in a dwindling minority due to lack of breeding.
The weightlifting steroid-addicted anti-spelling unemployed bouncer is a paragon of white supremacy.
He said, “A pure-breed white Aussie male has buck teeth, beer gut, three nipples, whistling teeth and is missing three vertebrae from his neck. He keeps his vocabulary low so it doesn’t attract attention. What woman could resist a forehead so flat you can rest a can of XXXX on it?”
In other news…
GREENS VOTER STRANGELY PROUD OF IT
SCOMO PROUD TO BE PM FOR NEXT 24 HOURS
ABBOTT CLAIMS BEING INDIGENOUS IS A LIFESTYLE CHOICE
TINDER DATE RUINED BY MEANINGFUL CONNECTION
HIPSTER CLAIMS YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THIS ALBUM