News World The Ferguson Report: Trump’s lemmings discover the Pacific
Updated:

The Ferguson Report: Trump’s lemmings discover the Pacific

Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
Share
Tweet Share Reddit Pin Email Comment

INVASION OF THE TRUMPSTERS

A caravan of caravans driven by American Trump voters is heading for Australia.

The invaders have white faces and red necks. Due to a lack of basic geographical knowledge, they believe they can drive here.

“We’ve tried to explain the Pacific Ocean,” said a government spokeswoman, “but they believe maps are fake news.”

Home Alone Minister Peter Dutton-Upstairs warned the Trump caravans pose a risk to our gormless nation. A spokesman in a comforting black uniform said, “We don’t want their noisy shirts, red baseball caps and mass shootings here. And their bellies take up so much room.”

“When America sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing guns. They’re bringing fast food. They’re racists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

SCOMO BUS TO NOWHERESVILLE

Instant Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s bus has everything but him.

A government spokesman said: “Scomover will not technically be on the bus per se. He’ll be ‘on the bus’ euphemistically, which is better than being ‘on the bus’ actually.”

“The sign on the bus says ‘Backing Queensland’. It means the PM is backing Queensland only, and he’s backing it into a corner.”

He coughed up a mango and said, “The bus will stop at nothing. Then turn around and go back.”

LATHAM IN THE AISLES

Former Labor leader Mark Latham is joining Pauline Hanson’s One Nation Front in a bid to make Hanson seem rational and urbane.

A spokesman praised Latham while performing knee-jerks to the rhythm of Advance Australia Fair-Skinned.

“Mark brings the skull-thumping dingbattery we need. He has the policy certainty of a wind-sock and the reliability of a One Nation MP.”

DEMOCRATS CONFUSED BY DEMOCRACY

US Democrats are sensing a baffling connection between getting all their voters voting and winning Senate midterm elections.

A Californian Arts graduate who has more diplomas than IQ points said, “This time, our turnout of Democrat voters was impressive – considerably less than half. Imagine if we got slightly less than half!”

She was shouted down by Democrat protesters.

TAKING A NOSE-CLIVE

Clive Palmer has demanded people stop laughing at his Unite Australia Party.

A UAP spokeswoman who doesn’t know better said, “Our Make Australia America campaign is capturing attention in parts of North Queensland, otherwise known as the Timor Sea.”

A party member who doesn’t know worse said, “Our policies used to be long and thin like a banana. Now they are yellow and bent. Like a banana.”

In other news…

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS POLITELY CORRECTED

DEMOCRAT BLUE WAVE BECOMES PURPLE SQUIRT

PROTESTER THINKS IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE

SCOMO’S JOB SAFE AS HOUSING MARKETS

Comments
View Comments