Porn star Stormy Daniels is due to release a memoir in which she claims she was “annoyed” that she found herself having consensual sex with US President Donald Trump.

She strangely skipped phrases like “embarrassed”, “horrified” or “I mistakenly thought being a porn star was my low point”.

Daniels claims Trump is a “guy with Yeti pubes”. An insider said, “That’s no way to describe the President’s haircut.”

Going for the funny shot, Daniels said Trump is hung “like the mushroom character in Mario Kart”. Potential readers have begged the publisher not to include pictures of the polka dots.

It’s surreal thing

The Coca-Cola Company says it is “closely watching” the expanding use of a cannabis element in drinks.

Other drinks companies are not staring blankly. They’re inventing drinks infused with cannabidiol, or CBD, a non-psychoactive compound derived from cannabis that is said to reduce anxiety and mood disorders.

One young gang member said, “We look forward to ordering our mood. We want to go out on Saturday night and get totally ordered.”

A boutique drink executive said, “Don’t freak out. Teens do everything in moderation.”

The future looks bright for soft-in-the-head drinks.

Dutton to worry about

A Labor-led committee found Peter Dutton-Left-To-Lose “failed to observe fairness” when choosing to intervene in two foreign au pair visa cases.

A Labor Partying spokeswoman denied Labor is playing political games. “It’s a very important blah-blah for the yadda-yadda.”

A government spokes-dandy defended the Home-Alone Affairs Minister. “Au pairs take the burden of parenting off parents. Take away au pairs and you’ll see a nasty outbreak of mothers and fathers forced to feed, clean and play with their children.”

Aged careless

Inadvertent Prime Minister Scott ‘A Be A Better Way’ Morrison has fired the starting gums on a royal commission into aged care.

The government suddenly denied it was a new idea. “ScoMo’s been thinking about it for ages since last week,” said a high-profile National Party MP wearing trousers. “It’s not because Four Corners exposed more than we do.”

“Give us a break. We’ve only had five years to look at aged care.  Who knew that all those dirty old men were just dirty? It takes a retirement village to raise a ruckus.” 

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