TRUMP THREATENS NORTH KOREA WITH F-WORDS
US Secretary of State Rex W. Tillerson has attacked the fake media.
“Journalists are dishonestly repeating the President’s words and taking them literally,’ he said.
In a desperate attempt to avoid war with North Korea, Tillerson was forced to clarify the open threats of President Donald J Trump.
“By delivering ‘fire and fury’, POTUS clearly meant ‘friendship and fun’,” he said.
“By threatening the nuclear obliteration of millions of innocent North Koreans, he clearly meant ‘My wristwatch is better than yours’. And it is.”
Tillerson added: “If the Prez wanted to threaten nuclear war, he’d do it through the usual channels … such as fact-free tweets or panicked denials by his press secretary.
Tillerson jabbed a finger at reporters. “Stop putting his own words in his mouth!”
GAY HATING THROWBACK TROG DEMANDS RESPECTFUL DEBATE
The same-sex marriage plebiscite debate is heating up.
But a prudish redneck gun-geek spokesman against gay marriage asked open-minded Australians: “Please keep the debate respectful.”
Speaking at an evangelist squint ‘n’ sing festival, the gormless tub-thumper said: “We have a right to be prejudiced, sexless, judgmental, squirming bigots. It’s what our gum-clenching ancestors fought for.
“Freedom of speech includes knee-jerk meanderings from double-underpants-wearing, hypocritical wowsers whose idea of a good night out is a blue light disco with no music, no dancing and no blue light.
“Respect us as much as we respect you. No… wait…. More than that.”
MILLENNIALS GOING ‘POSTAL’
Most Millennials (people born between ‘whatevs’ and ‘idk’) are taking the same-sex marriage postal vote seriously.
“We’ll post it just right,” said a young startup upstart.
“This vote is too important to post on Snapchat or Tumblr. I know it sounds old-fashioned, but we are forced to go waaaay back in time, and post on Facebook.
“FB gives each post genuine weight and consequence. People will take a moment’s notice.”
When told ’postal’ means Millennials must send their votes through the mail, she said, “As if. That is not a thing.”
ABBOTT LINKS GAY MARRIAGE TO BUDGIES, CATS, TRAFFIC LIGHTS
Ex-PM Tony Abbott has likened the same-sex marriage debate to everything ever.
Bounding from the Manly surf wearing only a sock, he said: “If you don’t like brussel sprouts, vote no.
“If you don’t like berries in your muffins vote no,” he added.
“If you don’t like punch-drunk pollies tenuously linking unrelated issues, vote yes. Oops, I mean no. I always mean no.”
IN OTHER NEWS …
KIM JONG-UN & DONALD TRUMP GO TO SAME BARBER
ANTI-VAX COMMUNITY WIPED OUT BY COMMON SENSE
QUINOA USED AS FOOD SUBSTITUTE