“Let me not die while I am still alive.”

Before her husband Dave, CEO of SurveyMonkey and father of her two children, fell off a treadmill and hit his head at such a force that he died instantly, Sheryl Sandberg didn’t understand the meaning of this phrase.

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The Chief Operating Officer of Facebook is often celebrated for “having it all”: she is the first woman to serve on Facebook’s board, she is included in Forbes‘ list of the ‘most powerful women in the world‘, and she is worth more than US$1 billion.

But everything changed last month.

The businesswoman posted a letter to her Facebook page in which she addressed the grief that had crippled her since her husband’s passing.

“You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe …” she wrote.

Or, she writes, “you can try to find meaning”.

Sheryl and Dave were one of the biggest power couples of the tech world. Photo: Getty

In Judaism, 30 days after a loved one dies the period of mourning comes to an end and normal life can resume.

To mark this moment, Ms Sandberg opened up about her heartbreak, struggles and lessons over the past month.

“I have lived 30 years in these 30 days. I am 30 years sadder. I feel like I am 30 years wiser.”

Here’s what she learned:

Grief gives you a better understanding of what it means to be a parent

Ms Sandberg wrote about the “profound understanding of what it is to be a mother” that she has gained, not only through comforting her own children but also from the comfort she received from her own mother.

“[My mother] has tried to fill the empty space in my bed, holding me each night until I cry myself to sleep. She has fought to hold back her own tears to make room for mine,” she wrote.

It’s okay not to know what to say

Over the past month Ms Sandberg has learned that sometimes those who are struggling don’t want to hear that everything will be fine, they want someone to recognise that their world is not okay.

“Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not,” she wrote.

“Those who have said, ‘you will find a new normal, but it will never be as good’ comfort me more because they know and speak the truth.”

Ms Sandberg talks about how every day is different and said that rather than being asked “how are you?” she found it easier to respond if someone asked “how are you today?”.

How fleeting every moment can be

Her husband’s death at only 47 has taught Ms Sandberg about the fragility of life, embracing every moment and being thankful for what you have.

“As heartbroken as I am, I look at my children each day and rejoice that they are alive. I appreciate every smile, every hug. I no longer take each day for granted,” she said.

“My next birthday will be depressing as hell, but I am determined to celebrate it in my heart more than I have ever celebrated a birthday before.”

If you need help, ask for it

Bono sang at Dave’s funeral. Photo: Getty

“Until now, I have been the older sister, the COO, the doer and the planner. I did not plan this, and when it happened, I was not capable of doing much of anything,” she wrote.

It’s okay to ask for help, nobody should shoulder a burden like grief alone and you’re not expected to function like a normal human being after your husband is taken from you.

“Those closest to me took over. They planned. They arranged. They told me where to sit and reminded me to eat. They are still doing so much to support me and my children.”

Getting back to normality can be hard

While Ms Sandberg said that returning to work and feeling useful again was important for her, her coworkers treated her differently and many were clearly uncomfortable in her presence. For Ms Sandberg, the only way to get past this was to open up and let them in to her world.

“Once I addressed the elephant, we were able to kick him out of the room.”

One of her colleagues told Ms Sandberg she’d driven by their house frequently but she wasn’t sure if she’d be a welcome presence so decided not to visit.

Another colleague was worried they may say the wrong thing so chose to remain silent.

Finally, you can’t replace someone you loved

Ms Sandberg said she learnt that the life and dreams she had with Dave are gone and she must say goodbye to that life, but it’s okay to mourn for as long as she needs. In time Ms Sandberg said she will learn to embrace her new path and accept that things have changed.

Ms Sandberg promised “to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B”.

The letter ended on some wise words from U2 frontman Bono: “There is no end to grief … and there is no end to love.”