News People The Ferguson Report: Vaccine but not herd as holdouts hope for Xbox
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The Ferguson Report: Vaccine but not herd as holdouts hope for Xbox

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Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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VACCINE BUT NOT HERD

The Morrison government is promising vaccine incentives to Australians sceptical about the benefits of breathing.

A reluctant non-vaxxer said, “I’m torn between the slight inconvenience of getting a jab and the slight inconvenience of gasping oxygen from a ventilator while my brain boils.”

Canny unvaxxables are hanging out for better incentives. “If I stay alive until Christmas, they might give me an Xbox.”

When the Labor Party complained about the cost of the incentives, a spokeswoman replied, “It’s okay, we don’t have vaccines anyway.”

PROTEST AGAINST HISTORY A CASE OF HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF

Greens councillor Colin Hesse has proposed removing Queen Victoria’s name from all inner-city suburbs because that will end history once and for all.

But a bearded barista claimed echoes of history still persist in Australia in the form of millions of citizens of European origin.

“First we came for the statues. Then we came for the street signs. But we forgot to get the people!”

ROBO-DEBT GOES THEORUM BACK AGAIN

The Morrison government will make the NDIS cheaper by applying its robo-algorithm method.

The minister in charge (according to mathematical probability) is Senator Linda Reynolds.

She’s concerned the NDIS relies on public servants’ natural empathy.

Public servants did not appreciate her sarcasm.

A statistically negligible spokesman insisted that algorithms don’t count, then quickly subtracted the statement. “Algorithms provide cheap labour, but the costs are enormous.”

The NDIS will squeeze 500,000 patients into 400 cookie-cutter categories, one of which includes people with more than 400 symptoms.

A high-ranking numbers man who stated that algorithms are incapable of error was just adding insult to perjury.

WOKE GOES BETTER WITH COKE

The woke and the corporates have found themselves on two sides of the same bitcoin.

A street march fighting the corporate patriarchy stopped when it was endorsed by the corporate patriarchy.

Fossil fuel and soft drink corporations have embraced diversity and inclusion. “We’re against cisgender heteronormativity and whatever else the kids are saying right now.”

A woke activist said, “this takes the fun out of being terribly serious. How can we fight capitalists when they agree with us?”

“We totally agree,” said the capitalists.

Meanwhile, Coca Cola is planning new soft drinks – Woka Cola and Gender Fluid.

In other news …

  • MAN READING HUNDREDTH MOTIVATION BOOK WONDERS IF THEY WORK
  • YOGA TEACHER TALKS LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME
  • ACTIVIST DEMANDS ALL FUTURE APPEARANCES OF CHEWBACCA MUST BE PLAYED BY A WOOKIE ACTOR
  • WILL MISS THE EXCUSE OF COVID TO EXPLAIN LACK OF WORK

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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