News People The Ferguson Report:Morrison’s grand plan to boycott boycotting
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The Ferguson Report:Morrison’s grand plan to boycott boycotting

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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PM’S BOYCOTT OF BOYCOTTS GETS BOYCOTTED

PM Scott Morrison attacked environmental activists in a speech to miners, warning of a “new breed of radical activism” that smells like the old breed of activism but with more avocado and a whiff of superglue.

“How good is mining?” said the PM. The audience of miners applauded, but Morrison was simply asking, how good is mining?

Morrison threatened to make the boycotting of companies illegal, even though that in itself would illegal.

Scomo said all this marching and boycotting will “deny the liberties of Australians” (such as marching and boycotting).

When miners became confused at the PM’s claim that a miner offence was not a minor offence, Morrison backed down and said, “Major think though, didn’t it?”

Miners are confident the protesters will find it tricky to glue themselves to a gaping hole in the ground.

He told protesters go home and get a fracking job.

SCORCESE SAYS MARVEL MOVIES NEED MORE GOODFELLAS

Director Martin Scorsese has published an opinion piece clarifying his controversial claim Marvel movies are not cinema, despite filling cinema after cinema.

A spokeswoman for Scorcese said, “It’s not f***ing cinematic for people to talk for 30 seconds without f***ing swearing. There’s no mise en scene genre ouvre seeing Samuel L Jackson in a movie without calling someone a m********ker.”

To drive home his point Marty said, “Cape Fear has no friggin’ capes.”

He is producing a trilogy of anti-Marvel movies – Spiderman Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, Raging Hulk and The Last Temptation of Thor.

Scorsese’s comments raised more eyebrows than Scorsese’s eyebrows.

GOVT SAYS GLOBAL WARMING IS ONLY IN HOT COUNTRIES

A group of 11,000 of the world’s “scientists” have used “facts” and “proven research” to declare the world is in the midst of a “climate emergency”. This is in direct contradiction to the opinions of President Trump, Andrew Bolt and that drunk man chasing pigeons in Hyde park.

Scientist-in-all-but-science Angus Taylor (who works part-time as Federal Energy Minister) has argued that doing anything about global warming is “hollow symbolism”.

Taylor sang, “You say ‘hollow’, I say ‘goodbye’.”

Climate deniers aren’t too worried about the so-called emergency – their own logic tells them that when the ice caps melt it will cool everything down again.

The government is paying no heed to the warnings, and will continue funding its latest rural job-creation scheme – ill-wind farming.

In other news…

TODAY SHOW REPLACES KARL STEFANOVIC WITH KARL STEFANOVIC

TRUMP DECLARES “BREAKING THE LAW IS NOT A CRIME”

SOCIALIST DEMOCRATS 2020 ELECTION LOSS TO BE YUGE

BYRON BAY FLUORIDE-BAN MOVIE – GUM & GUMMER

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