AUSSIE DNA N/A

Home Affairs Minister Peter ‘Much Ado About’ Dutton has suggested DNA testing will verify the Australian citizenship claims of ISIS brides trapped in Syria.

According to the natural laws of Dutton, DNA stands for Definitely Not Australian.

Typical signifiers of Australian DNA include:

• resistance to mixing with foreign DNA (which is awkward because all Australians are foreigners if you go back far enough)
• a narrow mind (often mistaken as ‘razor-sharp’ when seen from the side)

A spokeswoman ruled out testing for an Australian accent: “The Australian accent is easily mimicked. Just ask Meryl Streep.”

“They need to pass the pub test,” said Dutton. “If they pass a pub they lose the test.”

THE BEST NEWS IS REDACTED NEWS

Newspapers around Australia published front pages with blacked-out words.

A person who still reads newspapers was found after a three-day search.

She said, “It was the best read I’ve had in years! And it was a wonderful challenge doing the crossword puzzles.”

The censored newspapers were part of media companies’ Right To Know campaign. Sky News launched its own Right To NOT Know campaign by broadcasting as usual.

Research reveals that 87 per cent of Australians value a free and transparent democracy. The other 13 per cent are government ministers.

Media companies have issued this statement: “The blackout of the blackout, can all get blackout!!!”

AFP RAIDS ITSELF

The Australian Federal Police have raided themselves for no particular reason.

It turned out the subject of the raid was on an undercover operation and it was therefore a case of mistaken, mistaken identity.

The arresting officer arrested the arresting officer and after handcuffing each other they realised neither of them could drive to the station.

An officer charged himself, interrogated himself and found himself guilty of whistle-blowing.

ROBO-DEAD

The federal government has pursued the estates of hundreds of dead people flagged as owing money under its new Robo-Dead program. All bills are to be paid in crypt-ocurrency.

The Department of Human Services has been using an algorithm to determine if people have been overpaid or collecting money they’re not entitled to.

Consequently, fines have been imposed on 76 Senators and 151 MPs.

The Robo-Dead program will continue until no gravestone is left unturned.

In other news…

MILLENNIAL UNI STUDENT PROVES ALL COMEDY IS POLITICALLY INCORRECT

TWITTERERS OUTRAGED DEEPLY BUT BRIEFLY

MARXISM ENTHUSIAST SAYS IT’S A THING

FACE MATCHING SOFTWARE IS ‘BOGUS’ CLAIMS CLARK KENT

LABOR PARTY DROPPED OFF IN ALDI BAG

‘ONCE IN A LIFETIME’ REAL ESTATE OPPORTUNITY HAPPENS AGAIN