I’m so sorry.

How could I have been so stupid?

I laughed when I heard some of you Victorians had refused to undertake a coronavirus test because those awful nasal swabs are a secret plot to implant a tracking microchip that will report your every move to Bill Gates’ laptop.

I sneered when some of you whispered that the coronavirus was created to force everyone to stay home so the Daniel Andrews government could secretly erect more 5G transmission towers to bathe everyone in waves of mind-controlling radiation.

I broke a rib from laughing uncontrollably when some of you declared that COVID-19 was hatched from a culture growing in a half-empty coffee cup that had sat on a desk for two weeks at the World Health Organisation’s headquarters.

It was only when it was suggested that a clandestine organisation of powerful marketing executives had installed Scott Morrison as Prime Minister so they could make big money out of replacing the iconic Australian-made kangaroo label with a new product emblem they call a “wattle” (but which looks suspiciously like the coronavirus) that I began to think you were on to something.

Garry Linnell has some thoughts. Picture: TND

So I did some research, you see. Some really detailed scientific investigation.

Not only did I consult reputable sources like Facebook and YouTube, I also had a long chat with the woman who lives alone at the end of the street with 18 cats and many interesting piles of newspapers dating back to 1938.

An afternoon playing heavy metal records backwards to listen to their subliminal messages also proved instructive.

What a smug and ignorant tosser I had been.

You Victorians – always sharp and on the ball – were right all along.

They are definitely out to get us.

Just consider some of the conspiracies my research has unearthed and confirmed over the past few days:

• Celebrity chef Pete Evans was kidnapped four years ago by government agents to silence his sensible views on the dangers of vaccination and they replaced him with a lookalike actor who reads from scripts deliberately designed to make him sound crazy. Sign my petition to free Pete now. Better still, let’s march.
• Ita Buttrose died in 2014 but a cabal of latte-drinking, black skivvy-wearing, poetry-reading vegan beatniks at the ABC used state of the art tissue regeneration techniques to bring her back to life so she could defend them from budget cuts while they continue trying to turn Australia into a left-wing utopia that will force everyone over the age of 18 to ride a skateboard or monocycle to work and binge watch old episodes of The Drum.
• Men with pot bellies, hairy backs and uneven mullets they trim at home themselves without using mirrors are being prevented from pursuing lucrative careers as underwear models by a shadowy organisation of granite-jawed men with dreamy far-away eyes, washboard stomachs and waxed legs who are jealous of men missing teeth and who drive utes with bumper stickers that say “I burn Coal – and Greenies”.
• Former Prime Minister Harold Holt did not drown at Cheviot Beach in 1967 or even rendezvous with a Chinese submarine that took him straight to Beijing, but instead dyed his hair, went on a dramatic weight loss course and pursued his life-long ambition of tracking down every odd sock that went missing during his weekly visits to a Canberra laundromat.
• People who expose conspiracy theories on social media using incredibly long sentences that run on and on with very little punctuation and sometimes don’t even get to the point are the targets of ridicule and derision by a secretive club of elitist leftist academic types funded by a covert military wing of the Victorian Labor Party that wants to keep them from revealing the startling truth they have uncovered that you don’t need great grammar or concise language to warn the world about…umm…whatever it was they were planning to reveal.

So I’m sorry for all those times I thought some of you Victorians were just going plain old crazy.

You’re not. And neither am I because now I know the real truth.

You don’t need to submit to a nasal swab for coronavirus. You don’t need to follow those stupid social distancing rules, either.

And throw away that face mask.

All you need to stay safe is a tinfoil hat.