A bee’s what? How Garry Linnell is measuring the 2019 that could have been
A “bee’s dick” became the measurement for anything between 0.32 to 0.5. Photo: TND
So you thought 2019 was a big year for startling breakthroughs and major news events?
It was bigger than you think. Here’s a quick wrap of some of the stories you may have missed, or forgotten…
January
A world-wide collaboration of scientists lasting more than three decades culminated with the invention of a new potato chip packet that makes no noise in movie theatres.
“This will change the movie-going experience for generations of film fans,” the scientists said in a statement.
“The new chip packet is lined with a new sound-deadening polycarbonate material that muffles all that irritating crinkling noise, allowing movie goers to hear all the dialogue at crucial moments.”
February
The International Society for Measurement announced the adoption of “bee’s dick” and “smidgen” as official distance units.
The society – the world’s recognised body for calculating measurement – said the new phrases would clear up uncertainty in language used by tradies and do-it-yourself handymen.
A “bee’s dick” would now describe anything between 0.32 to 0.5 of a millimeter, while a “smidgen” would apply to anything that remains annoyingly just out of alignment.
March
A new Australian movie was released that did not include Bryan Brown or Sam Neill in the cast.
Sam Neill and Bryan Brown walk the red carpet during the 74th Venice Film Festival in Venice, Italy. Photo: Getty
April
Editors of the Oxford English dictionary called for the word “journey” to be retired from the English language because of chronic over-use.
“Enough!” the editors said in a statement.
“The word journey was once used only for the purpose of undertaking a trip. It is now used by chief executives to describe their new corporate culture initiatives and yoga teachers to describe their eight-week stretch courses. Marketing executives employ it because they think it makes them sound sincere, while obese people now talk about avoiding cake shops as part of their ‘health journey.’ Please refrain from employing this word in future.”
May
The Federation of Brewers and Baristas confirmed that only workers wearing long dark beards, black T-shirts and full-sleeve tattoos on their right arms would be permitted to make coffee at cafes.
Exemptions would be granted to those with ponytails and eyebrow studs who can make pretty leaf patterns in milk froth.
Only bearded and tattooed workers had the right to work in cafes. Photo: Getty
June
State governments around the country agreed to the mandatory installation in all cars of “speed guarantee” devices to prevent slow drivers from driving well below the recommended speed limit.
The device automatically picks up the speed of a car whenever it drops 10km/h under the speed limit. “This invention will improve life on our roads,” the governments said in a joint statement.
“The device will usually be placed at the rear of the car – probably beneath the hat of the white Corolla driver on his way to lawn bowls.”
July
The International Olympic Committee received world-wide acclaim when it dropped yachting as an event at the Tokyo Olympics because the sport “is too boring.”
August
Giant home entertainment retailer JB Hi-Fi was taken to the High Court after refusing to employ staff who were tattoo-free, had no facial piercings and refused to dye their hair green or blue.
The company said it would defend its right to protect its mandatory employee dress code.
September
Former Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce accepted a $1 million bet from an online bookmaker that he could not make it through the rest of the year without making a controversial public comment.
Mr Joyce said in July that he was doing it tough on more than $200,000 a year. Photo: AAP
October
Overweight late middle-aged men desperately seeking attention by riding loud motorcycles through quiet suburban streets on Sunday mornings faced hefty fines and possible jail sentences under new legislation introduced around the country.
First offenders would have to undertake mandatory psychological testing to encourage them to find new ways of overcompensating for their small penises.
November
Workplaces in Australia employed money jars to stop the use of clichés. Photo: Getty
Office workers who started sentences with the phrase “At the end of the day…” would have to deposit $1 in a “cliché jar”, according to the Workplace Ombudsman, who also warned of instant dismissal for employees ending sentences with the word “but” – as in “I had a good time, but.”
December
Former Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce issued a statement on Facebook that he had turned vegan and would devote the rest of his life fighting for action on climate change.
PM is doing a good job, as is Littleproud, in getting some cash out to those volunteers who have been fighting these fires now for so long. pic.twitter.com/f6VQUG2y7u
— Barnaby Joyce (@Barnaby_Joyce) December 29, 2019
