News National The Ferguson Report: No spliffs or butts about India’s vaping ban
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The Ferguson Report: No spliffs or butts about India’s vaping ban

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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INDIA BANS VAPING IN A PUFF OF SMOKE

India has banned vaping due to concern for the health of their cigarette industry.

“E-cigarettes are going up in vape,” steamed a smoking smokesman. “India’s 100 million smokers are now safe from health risks. No… wait…”

Mumbai Council have declared, “E-pipes will be band. E-bongs will be stoned. E-hookahs will give themselves away cheaply.”

Cigarette smokers can now breathe a little easier… through their oxygen masks.

VICTORY OF THE UN-ELECTABLES

Un-elected British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has called for an election knowing no one wants one. Critics claim a free and fair election will be expensive, so PM Boris Johnson hopes to save money on “free” and “fair” and just stick to “election”.

The EU has rejected Boris’ Brexit with their own strategy called “Euroutofhere!”

The elections of Julia Gillard, Tony Abbott and Malcolm Turnbull were democratic up to the point where they were thrown out and replaced with someone worse.

Scott Morrison won the recent election despite every poll and common sense saying he wouldn’t. No questions were asked.

Any country calling itself a ‘Democratic Republic’ is a red flag.

TRUMP DECLARES “WHA?”

US President Donald Trump has declared he will order “the ultimate option” against Iran. Or not.

Trump threatened war and welcomed Iran’s president to visit, presumably not at the same time.

SEEING RED ABOUT SEEING RED

The first ad to show red menstrual blood on Australian television has frightened viewers who thought it was blue.

“Every commercial I’ve seen shows it’s blue – that’s a scientific fact!” said a man who doesn’t get out much.

A spokeswoman for Women Against Women said, “I was disgusted by the advertisement’s relaxed honesty.”

More than 600 complaints were lodged by feckless prudes, condemning the ad as “graphic”, “degrading” and “accurate”.

A spokesman for Men Against Men But Not Literally said, “We can complain about the ad till we’re blue in the face, which is also totally disgusting. I can’t wait for their new laxative campaign.”

LABOR PARTY RETURNS $100,000 BUT NOT ALDI BAG

The NSW Labor Party has forfeited a $100,000 donation at the centre of a corruption inquiry.

An unmarked Labor spokesman in a brown paper bag said, “We’re keeping the Aldi bag the money came in, because unlike us, it’s re-usable.”

“We blame Gladys Liu,” he said, offering an Aldi bag full of Aldi bags. “I’ll make you an offer you can’t vote for.”

A government spokeswoman said she finds the whole affair biodegrading.

Aldi are cashing in on the publicity, selling bags of $100,000 cash for only $99,999!  Plus a dollar for the bag.

In other news…

PM SCOTT MORRISON CHANGES US-VISIT HAIRSTYLE TO ‘WINDSWEPT TROLL-DOLL’

CAT’S PURRING MAY BE SARCASTIC

BIG PHARMA SHOULD HAVE STUCK TO MEDICINE

CLIMATE MARCH IGNORED AT DANGEROUS LEVELS

ROBO-DEBT BECAME CONSCIOUS AT 0600 HRS – STAY INDOORS

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