The Ferguson Report: Boris’ almighty Brexit election backflip
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
VAPERS E-VAPERATING
Young American vapers are experiencing a surge of severe lung ailments that are breath-taking. Symptoms include coughing, vomiting and levels of stupidity even higher than most American teens.
“It’s so scary,” said a nurse. “I saw a young vaper breathing down his own neck.”
Victims of the vaping illness, known as ‘Whosawthiscoming Disease’ can’t blow anything but chunks.
A medical alert will be printed on all future vaping pipes, WARNING – EXHALE ONLY.
Doctors and public health experts are ‘baffled’ for no reason whatsoever.
GOVERNMENT OVERBOARD ABOUT CHILDREN
Australian-born children Kopika and Tharnicaa are being ejected from the land of their birth because their bronzed-Aussie smiles encourage people smugglers.
A government spokeswoman in a soothing black Sovereign Borders uniform said, “First, our reason for border bouncing was ‘We shall decide who comes to this country and the manner in which they blah blah blah…’
“Then we discovered ‘Stop The Drownings!’ It makes our anti-humanitarianism seem almost human. Not quite Christian, but we won’t discuss that.”
A spokesman from the department of Not My Department said, “When the public sees through the torture-to-stop-the-drownings angle, these two Aussie babies have given us a new slogan – Stop The Cuteness! Baby Lips Sink Ships!”
SBS is creating a new series – Go Back To Where You Didn’t Come From.
A Labor spokesman had nothing to say.
RULE OUT BRITANNIA
A bill outlawing a no-deal Brexit has been passed by an alliance of Conservative rebels.
‘Conservative rebels’ is a term as oxymoronic as ‘United Kingdom’ or ‘English food’.
PM Boris Johnson said, “I don’t want an election, the public does not want an election, the country doesn’t want the election.” Ever the populist, he promptly called for an election.
Boris threw away his parliamentary majority in a smooth dummy-spitting motion. He has decided to play the hand he has not been dealt with.
While the Queen is not amused, Theresa May most definitely is.
TASMANIAN PARLIAMENTARY SPEAKER WANTS HER WAGE TURNED UP TO 11
To justify asking for a wage rise, Speaker Sue Hickey said, “We’re working very, very long hours, seven days a week.”
A nurse who works harder and longer called for her own wage to be increased to half of Hickey’s. She was told to stop speaking.
Hickey promises to do a lot more speaking once she gets her pay rise. She’ll be speaking to real estate agents and antiques dealers.
She also plans to buy a small private island called Tasmania.
In other news…
TRUMP BLAMES HURRICANE ON WIND FARMS
DEMOCRAT CANDIDATE THINKS IT’S ABOUT POLICIES
DUTTON CLAIMS BOAT ARRIVALS ARE LABOR’S FAULT
STRAIGHT MARRIED COUPLE ADMIT LAST NIGHT GOT WEIRD
NEW STAR WARS FILM TO INCLUDE LOGICAL STORY
