TO SAVE BRITISH PARLIAMENT BORIS CLOSES BRITISH PARLIAMENT
British PM Boris ‘My Other Hairdo Is A Doily’ Johnson has protected democracy by stifling debate.
Lefty rabble rousers, otherwise known as freely elected officials, squawked twaddle about practicalities and imminent catastrophe.
An Opposition spokeswoman in a Remainer bin said, “British democracy should stay in the pocket of our historic friends – the Germans, Spaniards and Romans.”
The British Labour Party are fighting back by spraying the Parliament with Brexitmould.
PENSIONERS TO BE MADE ROBO HOBOS
The ScoMover government will bring robo-debt collectors back from the future to kill pensioners.
Leaked documents also reveal a government plan to expand the robo-debt scheme to hit pensioners in the dentures.
The proposal was leaked by a self-serving public servant calling herself ‘Sarah Connor’.
‘Connor’ claims the robo-scheme terminates pensioners by giving them a heart attack every time they pick up the phone.
Suspiciously, the government denied it. A minister with a titanium exoskeleton said, “We are not considering any such proposal until my Nanna is dead.”
US President Donald ‘From Russia With Lumps’ Trump blasted Fox News, saying the network “isn’t working for us anymore”.
Fox News has only ever treated Trump as its boss twice – during elections and outside of elections.
NEW LABOR PARTY ACTING LIKE THE OLD LABOR PARTY
Exiled Chinese billionaire Huang Xiangmo allegedly dropped off $100,000 in cash to the NSW ALP headquarters in a plastic Aldi bag without keeping the bag for later use.
“It’s an unforgivable misuse of a plastic bag,” said Labor’s single-use plastic bagman.
“No time will be wasted in getting to the bottom of this. A royal commission will be held to determine whether a royal commission should be held to determine whether a royal commission should be held.”
A Labor stooge said, “Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!”
NBN PROUDLY CLAIMS 404 FILE NOT FOUND
Australia ranks last for affordable broadband internet among developed nations, developing nations and anywhere with a hamster on a wheel.
The rankings were compiled by the Commonwealth Parliamentary Library, a mouldy collection of fiction, fantasy and unread political erotica.
Australians are forced to communicate with each other using a cheap and reliable system called ‘shouting’.
In other news…
RELIGIOUS DISCRIMINATION ACT COVETS NEIGHBOUR’S DONKEY
NO-DEAL BREXIT GOING CHEAP
THREE IRISH TERRORISTS WALK INTO A HARD BORDER
TEACHERS BLAME NAPLAN TEST BEFORE IT BLAMES THEM
WHITE SUPREMACIST CAN’T SPELL ‘WHITE SUPREMACIST’