AUSSIES CHEWING THE FAT
A growing number of Australians are growing due to fat and sugar.
A global survey conducted by a squad of dieticians who are as much fun as a cardboard sandwich predict a “tsunami of obesity” and other things that taste good.
But a spokesman for the low-fibre food group Weight Wolfers spoke to fake media through a mouthful of tongue. “Aussies demand the right to eat a balanced diet – with a meat tray on one side and another meat tray on the other.”
“Dieticians can bite me,” added Nora Lamb, author of cookbook Full Mutton Jacket. “It’s our chef-given right to be as fat as a New South Whale.”
A vegan said, “I’m sick of repeating myself till I’m pale in the face.” He fainted due to lack of protein and new conversation topics.
PM TELLS ‘QUIET AUSTRALIANS’ TO SHUT UP
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has spoken in tongues about ‘the quiet Australians’ to 700 of the nation’s top public servants without making a sound.
The PM explained his theory about silent middle Australia using mime, interpretive dance and a finger puppet wearing a gag.
Mr Morrison signalled politics “is very responsive to those at the top and those at the bottom, but not so much to those in the middle”. He did not mention people on the outer, on the slide or on Newstart.
The public servants responded by not responding. One man blew his footy horn but was removed by police wearing moccasins.
A KICK IN THE OOSHIES
Woolworths will switch their popular ‘Ooshies’ collectibles to a promotion that encourages children to cultivate gardens, as if that has ever been fun.
An inner-city parent wearing hemp everything said, “We are taking the fun out of fun and replacing it with broccoli. Kids don’t want to play with toys. Kids prefer weeding, digging and raking, then silently watching grass grow.”
A change.org petition called on Coles to “stop giving out plastic junk”. It cites plastic items from Coles’ promotions being found on beaches in Indonesia, much to of the delight of impoverished but misguided children.
In other news…
ILLUMINATI HEADQUARTERS STILL NEED CLEANERS
FOX NEWS MOVIE HAS A COMMUNIST PLOT
MAP OF TASMANIA USED TO COVER MAP OF TASMANIA
SHOCK JOCK RADIO STATION BUYS SOCK FOR EMERGENCIES
GOVT FINDS ‘BALANCE’ BETWEEN COAL-MINING & END OF WORLD AS WE KNOW IT