News National The Ferguson Report: Mop-top Boris gets a byelection haircut
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The Ferguson Report: Mop-top Boris gets a byelection haircut

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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BORIS BY-ELECTION COULD FORCE A BYE-BYE-ELECTION

British PM Boris ‘Take A Look At My’ Johnson has lost his first byelection as leader, giving his parliamentary majority a ludicrous haircut. His one-seat majority is barely credible, which was how he got the job on the first place.

Johnson has saved Britons from wondering if they should elect him PM by stealing the Prime Ministership ‘Aussie-style’. But he may have to call a general election. What he will call it is unknown.

Johnson’s Brexit strategy remains in place. He said: “If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.”

Boris has promised to make Trafalgar Square great again. He has also decided to up the ante in British politics … he’s moving in to Number 11.

RELIGIOUS BELIEF CONDEMNS OTHER RELIGIOUS BELIEF

A cousin of sacked rugby star Israel Folau has been removed from his tutoring role at a Catholic high school.

All 20-year-old Josiah Folau did is call the Church’s sacred Mass a “paganistic ritual rooted in heresy, evil and devil worship”.

For some finicky reason, the Church finds this comment at variance with its teachings.

A Vatican spokesman, lashing his back with a riding crop, said: “We have a track record of combating heresy and devil worship. Just ask Joan of Arc. I don’t see Episcopalians burning witches for having a third nipple. We go the extra mile – two nipples good, three nipples is just greedy.”

A believer supported Mr Folau’s stance. “The Church has no right to tell us what God said he said he said,” he said.

LIVING BELOW THE BARNABY JOYCE LINE

Too many Australians live below ‘The Barnaby Joyce Line’ ($200k + extras + more extras + Business Class flights + 15% Super + a cardboard box to sleep in while your townhouse is renovated).

But PM Scott Morrison has ruled out lifting Newstart to the point where it could provide a new start.

Morrison said “the quiet Australians” want the welfare system to work for taxpayers too. It’s not clear how he heard the quiet Australians.

“The [quiet Australians] believe the best form of welfare is a job.”  Employers immediately lowered wages to match Newstart.

Barnaby ‘Boost’ Joyce said, “I’ve worked hard all my life to earn your money. I could afford a BMW… but what have I got to chauffeur it?”

In other news…

SINGLE MAN’S ‘ORIGINAL SIN’ NOT VERY ORIGINAL

ASSANGE REFUSING TO LEAK RUSSIAN COLLUSION BY ASSANGE

AUSSIE SWIMMER’S DENIALS UNNATURALLY QUICK

WOODSTOCK CONCERT CANCELLED DUE TO TOO MUCH STOMACH ACID

MILLENNIAL INHUMANELY FORCED TO WASH THEIR OWN CLOTHES

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