News National The Ferguson Report: The 100th edition of Fake News You Can Trust
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The Ferguson Report: The 100th edition of Fake News You Can Trust

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The New Daily is proud to present (drum roll, please) …

… the 100th Edition of The Ferguson Report: Fake News You Can Trust!

Much has changed since a man in a foreign land with a wacky hairdo and a fistful of fibs tricked his way to power (apart from the other man in another foreign land with a wacky hairdo and a fistful of fibs who just tricked his way to power).

Australia suffered another election replacing the government with the same government and the PM with a man who was actually elected PM.

And Barnaby Joyce remained Barnaby Joyce – freshly squeezed.

Thank you to all the fans who make The Ferguson Report the narrow winner of World’s Most Fake Media Award.

Enjoy some highlights from the 100 editions…

AUSTRALIAN POLITICS

June 30, 2017: PM TURNSTILE

Soon-to-be-Ex-PM Malcolm Turnbull is relaxed about his imminent Ex-PM role. “I can’t wait to undermine the re-elected Tony Abbott like the old days,” he said. “It’s a dream-job. Zero responsibility, 100 per cent fun!”

The Prime Minister du jour said, “It’s the denials I look forward to: ‘Tony is my BFF.’ ‘Tony’s sooooo right.’ And my favourite – ‘Tony has my complete and total loyalty’.”

Tony Abbott offered his complete and total loyalty.

August 4, 2017: GAY MARRIAGE NEITHER HERE NOR NOWHERE

LNP MP Tim Wilson refused to answer questions on Sky News about government squabbles over gay marriage.

“I’d rather talk about something else that actually matters to the Australian population,” said Wilson.

An exasperated government spokesman agreed. “Gay marriage is irrelevant to all Australians. As proof, we will stop the entire nation for a plebiscite vote. It’s worth the enormous expense ($160m) to show how completely unimportant it is. Australians don’t care, and they’ll spend whatever it takes to prove it.”

January 11, 2019: FAR-RIGHT CLUB

Alleged Prime Minister Scott Morrison has condemned the far-right rally of desperately dateless, slack-jawed numpties.

Scomofo defied the St Kilda rally organisers, the extremely extremist Backward Front saying: “Australians are not anti-migrant, nor racist.”

“Apart from the Australians at the rally,” clarified a spokeswoman.

“We are not racist,” said a White Supremacist genetic throwback to the time before dentistry. “We are against black Sudanese immigrants. See the difference?”

A bow-legged orc with immaculate breeding said: “Stop the African gangs. Australia’s gangs should be as white as the Ace of Spades [which, if you think about it, is a mostly white card.]”

Scott Morrison passes a football on a previous trip to the Island nation.
Scott Morrison celebrates a good innings. Photo: AAP

April 26, 2019: LABOR IN LABOUR

Labor’s ‘big target strategy’ has accidentally made Labor a big target.

“We head-butted franking credits to give retirees a nappy-wedgie,” said a Labor stooge dressed as the side of a barn. “It’s Election Class 101 to avoid things nobody understands, but Chris Bowen skipped that class.”

A Liberal spokeswoman clapped happily. “Nobody actually knows what ‘franking’ is, but we’re sure it’s condemned in the Bible.”

Pollsters agree the race is neck and neck. But the winner will be News Corp.

NEW ZEALAND

August 10, 2018: NZ PM OTT

The Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern, has shocked conservatives worldwide.

“Overreach!” shouted a motherly mother from mothers’ group Mothers For Mothers. “First, she chewed gum, and we thought that was pushing it. But now she is walking and chewing gum at the same time. She can’t have it all!”

After Ardern defiantly walked and chewed, she relaxed with her favourite pastimes – raising her newborn baby and running the country.

HEALTH

November 24, 2018: NATUROPATHY AS GOOD AS IT SOUNDS

According to anecdotal evidence, naturopathy is a thing.

The “science” of “natural” “medicine” was first invented by people who are long-dead. “It” is based upon “evidence” gathered by websites who only have financial gain to gain.

A “naturopath” wearing a corduroy suit and spectacles on a string said, “Homeopathy is a tiny but miniscule example. The power of ultra-diluted medicine is literally incalculable. But be careful of overdose.”

He drank a glass of water and miraculously survived.

November 24, 2018: ANTI-VAX ANTI-FACTS

Australia’s last surviving anti-vaccine activists have scoffed, coughed and wheezed at a new Danish study proving the mumps-measles-rubella vaccine does not increase the risk of autism in children.

Researchers who studied 650,000 babies born in Denmark found there is absolutely no association.

“The Danes aren’t that great,” said ‘Vaccine Maxine’, an anti-vaxxer non-chin-waxer. “We deserve a voice (between bouts of coughing and hospital visits).”

“Research is bogus!” said a home-schooled quinoa-licking spokesman in an iron lung. “Alternatives to alternative facts make my skin crawl and come out in spots.”

SCIENCE

July 14, 2017: FLAT EARTH THOUGHT BUBBLE POPS

A Flat Earth guesswork expert shocked scientists when she declared, “The earth is not flat.”

A CSIRO spokeswoman expressed relief. “Phew! We were worried Galileo was crazy, Stephen J Hawking’s words are just an App and global warming is shaped like a ping-pong table.”

But the Flat Earth denialist presented a new theory. “The Moon is flat. That’s right – the Moon. We admit the Moon’s a circle, but it’s flat as a frisbee. That’s how they got it up there in the first place.”

TRUMP

May 19, 2017: HOKUS POTUS

US President Donald Trump claims he is the victim of a ‘witch hunt’. Speaking at a fireside press conference deep in the Washington Woods, Trump waved a beheaded chicken at journalists. ‘I saw Hillary dancing with the Devil,’ he said.

The President cavorted naked around the bonfire. “No politician in history has been treated more unfairly than me,” he chanted. When reminded Abraham Lincoln and JFK were assassinated, Trump said, ‘Sure, but they got great media.’

He howled at the moon, jumped in a pond… and floated.

Donald Trump Fourth of July parade
Donald Trump offered his congratulations for the 100th edition of Fake News. Photo: Getty

February 22, 2019: TRUMP CALLS ALEC BALDWIN ‘ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE’, OUTRAGING ACTUAL ‘ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE’

US President-Between-Meals Donald Trump has accused comedy show Saturday Night Live of being an “ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE”. Trump posted his all-caps, too-busy-for-grammar tweet after Alec Baldwin satirised Trump’s border wall crisis-what-crisis.

But America’s actual ‘enemies of the people’ (ISIS, the KKK and billionaires with time on their hands) have complained the term is losing all meaning.

“We put in the hours, plotting, scheming, hating,” said a KKK spokesman who shall remain nameless, faceless and illiterate. “And this is the thanks we get?  I’m so angry I could ruin a bedsheet and pointlessly kill someone.”

Trump meant to tweet ‘ENEMY OF THE PERSON’, claiming that his Government is “Of the Person, by the Person, for the Person.”

WORLD

January 11, 2019: MILLENNIALS TIMELESS

A psychology study has described the ‘Millennials’ generation as “ungrateful parasites”, without wishing to hurt their precious feelings.

The study claims, “Millennials are almost as self-centred as Gen-X whiners, Baby Boom house-hogs, 1920’s Gatsbyites, Victorian Era ‘Tweens’, Elizabethan Era ‘Twixts’ and the snarling yoof of Ancient Greece.”

A Millennials spokesbeing posted a devastating rebuttal on an app of some sort.

100 FAKE HEADLINES…

GIFT OF GYM MEMBERSHIP TAKEN PERSONALLY

ARTS STUDENT FEELS SUPERIOR FOR NO REASON

BILLIONAIRE WILL TRICKLE DOWN IF YOU DO

GREENS VOTER CLAIMS IT’S BETTER THAN CHOOSING A GOVERNMENT

CONSPIRACY THEORIST SAYS CHEMTRAILS MAKE YOU PARANOID

BANKS RAISE INTEREST RATES TO TEACH US A LESSON

DUTTON WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO LOSING THE NEXT ELECTION

FREE SPEECH ADVOCATES WANT STEVE BANNON SILENCED

1-NIGHT STAND GUY CAN’T REMEMBER OWN NAME IN THE MORNING

SPERM WHALE SICK OF THE JOKES

ANTI-VAXXER DIES OF NATURAL CAUSES

“NATO” TO STAND FOR “NEED ANOTHER TREATY ORGANISATION”

HIPSTER INSISTS HE’S NOT A HIPSTER

PAULINE HANSON SPEAKS KNOWLEDGABLY ABOUT SOMETHING

PSYCHIC NEVER SAW THIS DAY COMING

FRENCH PRESIDENT OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE

DESPITE GAY MARRIAGE BAN, THE HOT SEX CONTINUES

TRUMP LEAK OBSCURED BY NEW TRUMP LEAK

VLADIMIR PUTIN LAUGHING MANIACALLY & STROKING WHITE CAT

ONE NATION DIVIDED

AUSTRALIAN KIDS EVEN DUMBER THAN THEIR PARENTS

COMMUNITY RADIO HOST SAYS ‘UM’ A LOT

INNER-CITY LEFTIE AGREES WITH OTHER INNER-CITY LEFTIE

CHANNEL TEN SHARES DROPPING LOW ENOUGH FOR THE OWNERS TO BUY IT AGAIN

VEGAN SMUG FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON

UNIVERSITY MARXIST CLAIMS ‘ANY DAY NOW’

TEEN CLAIMS NOBODY HAS EXPERIENCE LOVE LIKE THIS

TINDER DATE BACKFIRES IN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

SEX NOT WHAT IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE

COPS BUST JOINT SMOKER DURING ICE EPIDEMIC

GLOBAL-WARMING DENIER BUYS HOUSE ON HILL

BIKIE CLAIMS IT’S NOT RACISM IF YOU HATE EVERYONE EQUALLY

GAY MARRIAGE PLEBISCITE MAKES NOBODY’S BUSINESS EVERYONE’S BUSINESS

HIPSTER CLAIMS RETRO IS THE NEW RETRO

WINDFARM COMMISSIONER CAUSES MYSTERIOUS HEADACHES

STARSIGNS MIX-UP HAS ZERO EFFECT

NBN NEARLY AS EFFECTIVE AS STRING BETWEEN TWO TIN CANS

THE BACHELOR’ HOPES TO MEET A SKINNY BLONDE FAME-HUNGRY MISFIT

DRAMA TEACHER CLAIMS IT’S A THING

DESPITE 13 YEARS OF SCHOOLING, AUSSIES CAN’T TELL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “YOUR” & “YOU’RE”

SHOCK AS DOG GIVES LOOK OF DISAPPROVAL

GINA RINEHART EARNED EVERY PENNY

CLIMATE DENIER CLAIMS MATHEMATICS IS FAKE

GOD CLAIMS ‘KNOWING’ SIN IS NOT THE SAME AS ‘WATCHING’

GOLDFISH PREPARING TO VOTE LABOR

GOD-BOTHERER BOTHERS SATAN TOO

LOVESTRUCK COUPLE COMPATIBLE WITH EACH OTHER ONLY

QUINOA USED AS FOOD SUBSTITUTE

‘GAME OF THRONES’ EPISODE GRATUITOUSLY BEHEADED NAKED

MOST LNP CABINET MEMBERS ELIGIBLE TO GOVERN ELSEWHERE

COURT RULING: “BUT I’M FROM ADELAIDE” IS NO EXCUSE

‘ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR’ DOESN’T

TRUMP FIRES AUTOCUE

ONE NATION SENATOR FROM TWO NATIONS

OWNER’S SIDE-STEP FOILS CAT’S MURDER PLOT

ADANI MINE LESS POISONOUS THAN 2 ADANI MINES

ANTI-SAME-SEX ACTIVIST WANTS TO TREATED EQUALLY

FAKE NEWS LACKS UNBELIEVABILITY

SCOMO PUTS ISRAEL EMBASSY IN TRUMP TOWER

BANKSY ART NOT WORTH THE PAPER IT’S SHREDDED ON

CANADA FLAG CHANGED TO RED DOPE LEAF

WHO WOULD JESUS SEND TO NAURU?

PM IN POWER CRISIS POWER CRISIS

PAULINE HANSON ADMITS SHE FELT SAFER IN THE BURQA

HYPOTHETICAL ANTI-GAY CAKE SHOP SICK OF BEING USED AS AN EXAMPLE

COAL IS RENEWABLE IF YOU WAIT LONG ENOUGH

CORY BERNARDI ‘GENDER-MORPHING’ INTO A CRY-BABY

AUSTRALIAN BUREAU OF STATISTICS BECOMING A STATISTIC

CORPORATIONS CLAIM TAXES ARE FOR POOR PEPOPLE

ANTI-GAY-MARRIAGE HETERO COUPLE ENJOY LEATHER, RUBBER, COLLARS, SPANDEX, PORN, ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSHES, ICE CUBES, ZUCCHINIS, CHILLI SAUCE

THERESA MAY NOT

TASTE OF NEW ‘PREMIUM’ VEGEMITE OVERPOWERED BY VEGEMITE

NO-VOTER SAYS KNEE-JERK PREJUDICE IS COMPLEX, MULTI-FACETED, NUANCED

TAROT CARD READER CLAIMS ‘YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!”

BABY FORMULA RIOT STRENGTHENS BONES, TEETH

GOD LENIENT TOWARDS PREJUDICE

DOPE-SMOKER CLAIMS FLOURIDE NUMBS YOUR MIND

HIGH SCHOOL PROTESTER THINKS IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE

SEX THERAPIST CURES SELF REGULARLY

BARNABY JOYCE JOKE WRITES ITSELF

ABC ‘Q&A’ PANEL BIASED AGAINST EACH OTHER

ANTI-VAX COMMUNITY MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARING

FAKED MOON LANDING COST MORE THAN MOON LANDING

ADANI MINE NOT YOURS

GOVT CHILDREN SCREEN TIME LIMITS GUIDELINES BEATEN BY TANTRUM

REIKI FAILS TO CURE GULLIBILITY

NOAH’S FLOOD RETURNING VERRRY SLOWLY

CAT WILL COMMENCE ‘OPERATION MURDER’ AFTER NAP

TRUMP CLAIMS FBI IS ‘GREAT’ BUT ‘CORRUPT’ BUT ‘THE BEST’ BUT ‘LIARS’

PM RE-SHUFFLES CABINET FROM BOTTOM OF THE DECK

CHINA’S DARK SIDE OF THE MOON LANDING “CHEAPEST FAKE VIDEO EVER”

NERVOUS COUPLE DANCES LIKE CORY BERNARDI IS WATCHING

TRUMP SHUTDOWN PAID FOR BY MEXICO

SKY NEWS HOST ACCUSES ABC OF BIAS

OPRAH PLAN TO BOOST FREE CAR INDUSTRY

BITCOIN NOT WORTH THE AIR IT’S WRITTEN ON

OSCARS SPEECH-STOPPING MUSIC TO BE USED IN PARLIAMENT

SEAT OF BATMAN NOT SEAT OF BATMAN

STOCK EXCHANGE IN SAFE HANDS OF GREEDY PANIC MERCHANTS

GOVT CLOSES CLOSING-THE-GAP GAP

NEW AUSSIE SUBMARINES SECRETS SAFE WITH FOREIGN DESIGNERS

AUSSIES WANT OLYMPICS TO INCLUDE ‘THE BIFF’

NDIS ROLLS OUT, ROLLS IN, LIES ON BACK STARING AT CEILING

‘JETSTAR FLIGHT’ USED AS IRONIC TERM

MOTHER NATURE ASKS FOR GENDER REASSIGNMENT

MAN ‘SPLAINS MANSPLAINING

ENGLAND SUDDENLY FEELING LIKE A SMALL ISLAND

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