News National The Ferguson Report: Uluru is the latest case of ‘climb it’ change
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The Ferguson Report: Uluru is the latest case of ‘climb it’ change

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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TRUMP SEARCHES FOR RACIST BONE

Donald Trump, Grand Wizard of the United States, has told four US Democrat congresswomen to “Go back to the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came”.

So, the congresswomen are returning to the dysfunctional ganglands of America.

Trump’s comments have been unfairly labelled ‘racist’ simply because they are.

“I don’t have a racist bone in my body,” said Trump, whose ancestors come from Germany.

The Don has taken his own advice and plans to go back to where they didn’t come from and to continue to send drones and troops back to where he’s never been.

The Democrats have called for Trump to return to his senses, but Trump’s senses have refused him entry.

COMFORTABLY NUMBERS

Treasury bureaucrats speaking at the Economic Society of Australia conference blamed low wages on stubborn employees who ­refuse to move into more productive companies, much like Treasury bureaucrats.

The conference attracted dozens of economics guessworkers, coin-flippers and a psychic poodle. They agreed the outcome of the conference could not be measured at this stage, given the fact that no one knows anything.

Low-paid blue-in-face collar workers are outraged.

“The economy will move up and down but not necessarily in that order,” said an economist, give or take a 100 per cent margin of error.

Security at the conference was tight. Those who showed any signs of grease on their elbows were not permitted.

The psychic poodle said, “Is it too early to say? It’s too early to say.”

They also called for a forty-hour working week for economists. What they do with the other fifty-one weeks is their own business.

GIVE ULURU CLIMBERS ENOUGH ROPE

One Nation Front leader Pauline Hanson has spoken against the ban of climbers on Uluru. “It’s no different to saying, ‘We’re going to close down Bondi Beach because there are some people there that have drowned’.”

But there have been no drownings on Uluru.

A tourist in a T-shirt declaring, I Went To Uluru But All I Got Was This Lousy Vertigo said, “Sadly, the top of Uluru is just a crap view of Uluru.”

Short, sharp shock-jock Steve ‘Only Jocking’ Price has suggested that out of cultural sensitivity, numbers of Uluru climbers could be limited. But a similar tactic has been tried avoiding pregnancy by limiting sperm numbers.

Another shock jock described the ban as a form of “climb it” change… and therefore doesn’t believe in it.

In other news…

‘PUB TEST’ INACCURATE DUE TO DRUNKENNESS

PETER DUTTON CHILDCARE CENTRES NOT A JOKE

US DEMOCRATS PLANNING IMPEACHMENT OF 50 MILLION VOTERS

GOVT ‘CONCERNED’ USA DETENTION CENTRES ARE TREATING OUTSIDERS LIKE WE DO

GAY MARRIAGE CAUSES DISTURBING RISE IN BORING SUBURBAN COUPLES

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