The Ferguson Report: Barnaby puts in a good word for climate change

Tim Ferguson
Jul 12, 2019, updated Oct 01, 2020

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

BARNABY SKATING ON THIN ICE AGE

Barnaby ‘Stewing In His Own’ Joyce has hit back at the climate change ratbags known as 97 per cent of the world’s scientists.

“The very idea that we can stop climate change is barking mad,” he madly barked.

“These are the views of New Zealand lecturer of geology David Shelley.”

Shelley holds a venerable position as one of the world’s most remote and unknown academics.

“Global warming is a better problem than the next Ice Age,” said Joyce while standing in a pile of dust called ‘Rural Australia’.

Joyce once warned Australians that Julia Gillard’s carbon tax would make them pay $150 for a lamb roast.

A baby lamb claimed $150 is cheap, given the circumstances.

STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE RUBS IT IN OUR FACE

Boston City Council in the US has approved a ‘Straight Pride Parade’, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The march invites heterosexual men to draw attention to their culture and lifestyle, bless their acrylic/cotton socks.

Floats will feature pot-bellied yoicks in ‘grey rainbow’ tanktops dancing to hetero anthems by Elton John and Queen.

The largest float will be a semi-trailer carrying hetero males ‘playfully’ accusing each other of being gay.

A 99 per cent heterosexual spokesman in tight stubbies said: “Being straight is like being gay, without all the interesting conversations and sex.”

The march will end with a half-arsed street brawl and drunken declarations of manly love.

FOUR WEDDINGS & A LAWYER BILL

According to online publication, Wedded Wonderland, the average wedding in Australia costs $53,168.

“Don’t panic,” said a government clerk from Births, Deaths and Other Catastrophes.

“Marriages are still cheaper to get into than out of.”

The clerk refused to say any more lest he be in even more trouble when he gets home.

RECOGNITION BEYOND RECOGNITION

PM Scott ‘The Old Testament Makes More Sense If You Take It Literally’ Morrison will veto enshrining an Aboriginal “voice to parliament” in the Constitution because he will have to listen to it.

A minister whose descendants arrived on the First Fleet in gold chains said: “Scomover only wants ‘indigenous recognition’, either by legislation or nametags.”

A government spokeswoman in a BMW to which she has a ‘cultural attachment’ said: “It’s fine to recognise our exes in the street, but we don’t stop to chat – awkward! Same goes for the descendants of the world’s oldest civilisation whom we ruthlessly dispossessed. It avoids the awkward question, ‘Your place or mine?’”