News National The Ferguson Report: Trump hears a far off, distant squeak
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The Ferguson Report: Trump hears a far off, distant squeak

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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PM ASKS TRUMP TO ACT IN GLOBAL INTEREST & OTHER JOKES

PM Scott “The Whole World In His Handbasket” Morrison has vowed Australia will not stand by “passively” if China and the US keep brawling. Presumably, he means Australia will “actively” suck up to both of them.

If the superpower relationship continues to deteriorate, Morrison said he will act in Australia’s interests (which include chicken schnitzels, pokies and Keno).

A spokesman for China said, “Does anyone hear that squeaking?”

FREEDOM OF SPEECH IN TONGUES

Australians are fighting for the right to be gumnut-sucking, prudish, alt-right, crotch-covering, hate-curious throwbacks. We demand to speak our minds, no matter how narrow they may be.

However, a Rugby Australia lawyer perusing beachside real estate said, “I disapprove of what you say, but will defend the right to sack you for saying it”.

Sadly, freedom of speech is not enshrined in the Constitution, legislation or public toilet walls (unless accompanied by a phone number and promise of a good time).

“Just because someone is a pillowcase full of prejudice is no reason to mock them,” said a spokeswoman for Shooters, Fishers & Floaters.

“Mock my words, I give my most intelligible speeches in tongues. Australia’s tolerance for tolerance is intolerable.”

CHRISTOPHER PYNE IN THE NECK

Former defence minister, Christopher ‘Just When You Thought I Was Out’ Pyne, has revealed he has taken a job as a defence consultant because why the hell not.

“It’s not corrupt if you keep your fingers crossed,” said a defence spokeswoman having difficulty signing her name.

[If Pyne persists, see your doctor.]

EUROPE’S SWELTER-SKELTER-MALTA-MELTER

Europeans are sweltering under an intense heatwave of almost average Australian levels.

A Maltese weatherman sobbed, “It’s unbearable heat, like Darwin in winter”.

The punishing scorcher-torture in London has been described as “almost as bad as Townsville but not really”.

A NT meteorologist wearing a cardigan said, “The French Riviera feels like the Kakadu, which has been experiencing the sizzling effects of climate change for the last 65 million years”.

VICTORIA BANS STUDENT PHONES LIKE IT’S POSSIBLE

The Victorian education minister has banned mobile phones for all state school students. Like that’s ever going to happen.

A spokeswoman tweeted: “Let’s go back to 1990, when students were angels and everyone got A’s.”

“Excellent,” said a Year 12 student selling cigarettes on a Segway.

“If they take mobile phones out of our hands, I’ll be hands-free for vaping and shoplifting.”

In other news…

DEMOCRAT CANDIDATES DEBATING LIKE IT’S 1999

CENTRELINK’S ROBO-DEBT SYSTEM REPLACES WELFARE WORKERS

TRUMP CLAIMS “I COULD SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT AND I WOULDN’T LOSE ANY VOTERS!”

COMEDIAN CORRECTS LANGUAGE OF OTHER COMEDIAN

MASSIVE HOMEOPATHY OVERDOSE CAUSES BURP

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