News National The Ferguson Report: Maim of Drones is sure to be the next smash hit
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The Ferguson Report: Maim of Drones is sure to be the next smash hit

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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UBER UBER ALLES

Winner of the ‘What Could Go Wrong?’ Award for 2019 is Uber Air. 

Uber plans to trial an aerial taxi service in Melbourne because the best proven way to get to Geelong is by helicopter, just ask Bronwyn Bishop.

Flying taxis are technologically feasible but must be well regulated to avoid “absolute chaos”, according to a civil engineering expert and everyone with a brain.

People cannot be trusted to behave normally, legally or without suicidal/murderous intent. So the flying taxi drones overflew other ‘What Could Go Wrong?’ entrants including:

  • Great white shark-sized home aquariums
  • A Royal Commission into Royal Commissions
  • Hospital jobs for Antivaxxers
  • Pauline Hanson in the Senate
  • Derryn Hinch outside the Senate

LABOR DENIES EXISTENCE OF LABOR

“This is not the Labor Party,” says the answering machine at Labor Party headquarters.

“We deny everything we said four weeks ago. We were young, we were drunk, we thought Gough was still alive.

“Please call back when we are more like the Liberal Party, except with even fewer policies and a God who doesn’t need happy applause.”

PAULINE HOLDING GOVERNMENT TO HANSON

One Nation Front leader Pauline Hanson has told the government she demands a water-diversion scheme, a coal-fired power station and a pony.

PM Scott ‘What Now?’ Morrison must surrender to Pauline’s demands if he wants to pass his income tax cuts which you should have by now but don’t and he knew you wouldn’t even though he promised you would.

“We didn’t go back on a promise,” said a government spokeswoman.

“We ran over it first. Then we went back on it. Twice.”

Pauline said she is “not likely” to support the barrel of porkies unless her pony can talk.

A One Nationalist sang, “A horse is a horse, of course, of course, a talking horse or she won’t endorse!”

Luckily, a talking pony for Pauline is no problem – she speaks fluent Horsetalk.

GOVT DEFENDS JOURNALISTS’ FREEDOM OF [REDACTED]

“Journalists have nothing to fear but [Redacted] itself,” said a spokeswoman for Peter ‘[Redacted] Is My Middle [Redacted]’ Dutton.

But PM Scott Seriously, What Now?’ Morrison recently told a party gathering, “Remember, journalists are not your friends”.

Sky News immediately burst into tears.

“So much for our rule: Keep your friends close, keep your Morrisons closer,” sobbed a Sky After Dark commentator.

News Corp locked itself in its room and played its records loudly until the house shook with marching band melodies.

The ABC raided itself because it has the budget for it, thanks to taxpayers.

In other news…

BORIS JOHNSON TO LEAD BRITAIN WITHOUT A PADDLE

ASSANGE HOPING AMERICA HAS AN ECUADOR EMBASSY

FEMINIST ROLE MODEL MELANIA TRUMP FINALLY SPEAKS (WHEN PROMPTED BY TRUMP)

TRUMP TWEET ABOUT ‘PRINCE OF WHALES’ BEING RESEARCHED BY JAPAN SCIENTISTS

SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS QUITS AS FAKE PRESS SECRETARY (OR DID SHE?)

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