The Ferguson Report: A healthy serve of fission chips

Tim Ferguson
Jun 07, 2019, updated Jun 07, 2019

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

NATS GO NUKE

Some Government MPs (surprisingly from Queensland) want parliament to consider the feasibility of nuclear power in Australia.

Keith Pitt MP (surprisingly from the Nationals) said, “If you want to have your cake and eat it too, you have to look at every option.”

A cake-eating specialist outlined the available options:
1. Have cake
2. Eat cake

“I am not saying that there is a nuclear reactor coming to a shopping centre near you,” said Mr Pitt, “but we have to be able to investigate all options.”

The options are:
1. There is a nuclear reactor coming to a shopping centre near you
2. There isn’t

A Nationals spokeswoman said: “We want to have our yellow cake and eat it too. Plus fission chips.”

TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, BLABBERMOUTH

The owners of the Australian government, News Corp Australia, said police raids on News Corp are a “dangerous act of intimidation”. Presumably, they mean it’s dangerous for the government to screw with News Corp.

The Defence and Home Affairs ministries said: “We’re investigating News Corp and the ABC because is easier than investigating ourselves. We are playing Good Cop, Bad Cop, Keystone Cop.”

An undercover spy dressed as a toilet brush said, “I’ve got the dirt on them … correction… I’ve got their dirt on me.”

CONFLICT OF INTEREST RATES

ANZ boss Shayne Elliott has spoilt the Reserve Bank’s plan to make their interest rate cut for everyone who is not Shane Elliott.

A complete and utter banker said, “Why should we pass on the savings to our customers? We’re banks, they pass on their savings to us… and then we pass the buck.”

RELIGIOUS FREEDOM FIGHTERS

Labor leader Anthony ‘Who Saw This Coming?’ Albanese and PM Scott ‘I Did’ Morrison are preparing a Religious Discrimination Act to stop people discriminating against discriminators.

The law will enshrine the right of schools to teach faith-based ideology, including the traditional view of marriage (a practice with an impressive 50 per cent success rate).

It’s unknown how teachers will promote traditional marriage without mentioning ‘love’, ‘equality’ or ‘Adam’ and ‘Steve’.

It will no longer be legal to mock those who threaten others with eternal damnation for doing that thing one time at band camp.

An MP close (but not too close) to the situation denied the legislation will protect religious firebrands who preach terror.

“We’ll discriminate against extremists, even though the new law says we can’t.”