The Ferguson Report: Boris Johnson emerges as the Tories’ hair apparent
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
Boris bulldust busted
Boris Johnson, the blonde Brexi-Tory, has made his bed-hair, now he must lie his way out of it.
Boris stands accused of fibbing about the European Union costing Britain £350 million a week just because he did.
If found guilty, the maximum penalty is life imprisonment. Or a haircut.
Trump demands rapid and deep probe of Downer
US President Donald ‘My Other Hairdo Is A Flamingo’ Trump wants to examine Australia’s role in sparking the FBI probe into the Russia-collusion climactic anti-climax.
The FBI is vigorously probing former foreign affairs minister Alexander ‘Total’ Downer. Downer claims a Trump campaign aide (who has since been sacked for having his job longer than a week) told him Russia had damaging material on Mr Trump’s presidential rival Hillary ‘You Think I’m Bad, Try My Husband’ Clinton.
This is the first time Mr Downer has been of interest to anyone but Mr Downer.
Hell is other parties
Religion is government policy, after the second rising of the Liberal soufflé.
In the recent election campaign, Labor leader Bill ‘The Only Poll That Matters Is The Only One I Lost’ Shorten made a huge blunder by doubting the existence of Hell, when he is clearly in it now.
PM Scott ‘My God Makes Better Attack Ads Than Your God’ Morrison has claimed Hell exists but there are no gay people in it.
The price of real estate in Hell immediately plummeted as billions of souls moved north.
Weather conspiracy evaporates mysteriously
Queensland Senate hopeful Gerard ‘Raindrops Keep Falling On My Brain’ Rennick has accused the Bureau of Meteorology (BOM) of tampering with weather data, as if it’s possible.
The BOM is exploding numbers in order to “perpetuate global warming hysteria” he said hysterically.
A government spokeswoman selling beachside property on Mount Kosciusko said, “The sky is not falling. It’s descending at an orderly pace.”
The government accused the bureau of faking rain landings.
Robot workers unite
The Adani mine will be employing robots to drive driverless trucks and drill with drillerless drills.
“Modern mining is a people business,” said an anonymous app. “We employ a huge workforce to turn on the robots. His name is Bob.”
“The Adani workers will be like Transformers,” said a mining spokesbot who wishes to remain cordless. “One second they look like Queensland voters fighting for mining jobs, then hey-presto – they’re monster truckwits. (Batteries not included.)
In other news…
DATE RUINED WHEN ‘EYE CONTACT’ TAKEN LITERALLY
SHOPPER’S AMAZING DISCOVERY OF DEPARTMENT STORE STAFF MEMBER
FLORIDE-FREE ANTI-VAXXER VEGAN BITES BULLET
LOGIE AWARD GIVEN SARCASTICALLY
SHORTEN HANGING AROUND LIKE OLD SPEEDOS
