News National The Ferguson Report: Morrison’s preference is not to know Clive
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The Ferguson Report: Morrison’s preference is not to know Clive

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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SHORTEN REFUSES TO EAT PALMERGIANA

Renewable Labor leader Bill ‘Don’t Ask Me What It Costs’ Shorten has denied offering billionaire Clive ‘No Nickels For You’ Palmer a preference deal.

Clive Palmer tongue-lashed Shorten, calling him “two-faced”. (Palmer only has one face but it’s very big.)

Palmer insists the ALP made overtures to him in 2013, but the overtures fell F-flat.

Shorten has warned “Mr Palmer will come knocking on the door” of reputed Prime Minister Scott ‘Scomover Lay Down & Let Me In’ Morrison.

A Liberal Party flunky said, “Mr Morrison is happy to be associated with Mr Palmer so long as they don’t associate with each other.”

ROYALS SCANDAL CHAOS FURORE BASED ON NOT MUCH

A minute cough and pinky twitch have been declared proof the Royal Family is tearing itself apart. Prince William, who normally stirs his tea counter-clockwise, sent royal watchers into a sweating blather when he stirred his tea clockwise.

Apparently, all limbo has broken loose.

“We might as well shut down the Commonwealth now. There’s chaos in the family with uncommon wealth!” said a Royals watcher who specialises in drawing ludicrous conclusions from negligible titbits.

“Kate and William are at war with Meghan and that one who doesn’t look anything like William,” said a writer whose gossip column is very thin indeed.

The crisis will become a reality series called Royal Family Feud.

LIBERAL PARTY VETTING  TO INCLUDE VETTING

The Liberal Party is planning new processes for vetting candidates, such as going to the trouble of vetting candidates.

The Liberal-But-Not-Really Party is fixing its image problem by expelling most of its candidates.

Three candidates were recently click-and-dragged out of the party for posting anti-everything comments in plain sight.

A government spokeswoman without a paddle said, “Give us a break – those comments took us nearly five seconds to find. Who has that kind of time?”

“They will be vetted by vets,” said a swiftly ageing Young Liberal rearranging deadweights on the Titanic. “All candidates will be checked for fleas, worms and Fraser Anning.”

ASSANGE WIKI-LOCKED UP

Former squatter at London’s Ecuador embassy, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, faces a 50-week jail sentence for breaching bail and smuggling endangered hedgehogs in his beard.

A WikiLeaker in a ‘Leak This’ T-shirt said: “Julian’s new jail is inhumane. No free Wifi or spicy burritos. And he’s forced to bathe regularly! It’s like Harry Potter and The Prisoner Of Azkaban without the magic spells or likable hero.”

A WikiWikiWikiWoo said: “Julian has proved the keyboard is mightier than the sword, unless you’re in the showers.”

In other news…

TOWER OF LONDON BEEFEATER SECRETLY VEGAN

ADANI MINE DELAYED BY BLACK-THROATED FINCH COMMUNIST

REIKI EXPERT FAILS TO CURE PAIN IN NECK

US ATTORNEY GENERAL SAYS A BROKEN LAW CAN’T BE USED UNTIL IT’S FIXED

ONE NATION VICTIMISED BY ONE NATION

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