He ain’t heavy, he’s my leaner
Caretaker/janitor PM Scott ‘Not Drowning, Happy-Clapping’ Morrison has announced a fair go for all Australians “who are looking to make a contribution, not take one”.
This means no Australians at all.
A government spokeswoman in a Centrelink queue said: “We’re a nation of ‘leaners’. We’re being bled dry by public-schooling freeloaders, Medicare-refund parasites, family-payments bloodsuckers and spongers slacking in public hospitals.”
“The worst leaners are the layabouts stealing ‘childcare assistance’. They’re breeding little baby tax scams, worth their weight in rebates. Their ‘baby formula’ is night-light robbery.”
Shock of the moo
Animal liberationists have blocked streets in central London (in the sense they’ve sat down in the usual traffic jam).
They blame climate change on the methane emissions of cows and not their own diet of cabbage and cumquats.
But a fake biologist stated some alternatives to alternative facts: “Currently, there are 1.3 billion cows living on Earth. The current human population is 7.7 billion.”
“Mammals fart an average 12 times a day. So, that’s 15.6 billion cow emissions per day versus 92.4 billion human pop-offs per day, floating up, up, up to the oh-no-zone.
“Why protest against abattoirs? They should protest against maternity wards.”
Greens browned off
Leader of the Greens, Richard ‘Bringing Home The Quinoa’ Di Natale, has declared that he will vote against the next government’s climate policy just because.
A Greens spokeswoman standing on a soapbox said: “In 2009, we killed the Emissions Trading Scheme. And that’s worked out fine – for the emissions.”
ALP leader Bill ‘I Shouldn’t Have Mentioned Negative Gearing’ Shorten insists he’s as green as the next guy. He was standing beside a man from Adani.
Abbott pulls Abbott out of a hat
Liberals yawned in shock at Tony Abbott’s declaration he is ready to lead their party backwards to the future again.
“Surprise and furthermore, surprise,” said a Liberal Party insider who coincidentally went to the same private school as all the other Liberal Party insiders.
A LNP yachtsman said: “Tony is the ‘Comeback-Go-Away-Loiter-With-Intent-Comeback-Again Kid’. It’s almost as if it was his agenda all along.”
Upon hearing the news, Peter Dutton was stony-faced with joy.
In other news …
MELBOURNE COMEDY FESTIVAL CHANGING ITS NAME DUE TO MELBOURNE BEING NAMED AFTER A MAN
CARRIE FISHER TO STAR IN EVERY STAR WARS MOVIE FROM NOW ON
IN THE FUTURE EVERYONE WILL BE OFFENSIVE FOR 15 MINUTES
GAME OF THRONES PORN PARODY LESS RIBALD THAN GAME OF THRONES
MEGHAN & HARRY WRONGLY ASSUME THEIR BABY IS THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS