News National The Ferguson Report: He ain’t heavy, he’s a fluoride-riddled vegan moonbeam
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The Ferguson Report: He ain’t heavy, he’s a fluoride-riddled vegan moonbeam

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VEGANS EVEN MORE ANNOYING THAN USUAL

Vegans blocked streets in Melbourne and mentioned they are vegan. Police removed them with ease, due to the vegans’ lack of muscular strength and the inadequacy of yoga as a martial art.

A vegan spokesman hugging a stick said, “Methane generated by cows causes global warming.”

An abattoir worker in a ‘Save The Slaughter’ T-shirt protested the protesters. “Abattoirs are doing our best to lower the number of cows. But no matter what we do, the cows come home. It’s offal.”

“This is where the rib eye hits the road,” said a meat-eating animal liberationist whose Karma is at best ambiguous.

Fake media asked if an all-vegetable diet caused more methane than average diets.

The vegan ran away as fast as he could (which is not very fast), shouting, “Methane – you Tarzan!”

MAJOR PARTIES STRUGGLE TO SUSTAIN ELECTION

The election campaigns of the major parties are positively geared to Negative. And they are both right.

The Labor Party has proven beyond doubt that the Coalition is a greedy squad of boat polishers. The Coalition has proven Labor is a lying clique of commie pinko wind farmers.

Using top-quality guesswork, the major parties have destroyed each other’s credibility.

Voters will elect the Shooters, Fishers & Farmers to government because they have guns, fishing poles and a goat.

YES, PRIME MINI-STIRRERS

Sniping-curious ex-PM Tony Abbott has accused snooping-curious Malcolm Turnbull of “trying to create something out of nothing”.

Abbott, who once created nothing out of something (i.e., his Prime Ministership), made something out of Turnbull’s heckling over a meeting Peter Dutton had with Bill Shorten’s acquaintance, Chinese businessman Huang Xiangmo who admits nothing about Sam Dastyari, which they all agree could be something.

ANTI-VAXXERS BLAME MEASLES EPIDEMIC ON MOON LANDINGS

The endangered anti-vax herd denies blame for the recent measles outbreak.

Though struggling with measles, whooping-cough and dingbattery, they found the time to splutter a theory via ‘alternative fax’:

“Measles are caused by the moon landings which didn’t happen,” said the what-the-fax.

“The delusion that men went to the moon was caused by fluoride in water. Fluoride was put in the water due to tooth decay caused by drugged ‘chem-trails’ dropped from jet planes flown by lizard people. They ‘invented’ ‘vaccines’ to cause ‘autism’ and the ‘over-use’ of ‘commas’. Thus, measles.”

Scientists admit this theory is ‘as solid as hardened inner-city bulltwang’.

In other news…

DAVID LETTERMAN REMOVED FROM ECUADOR EMBASSY

BREXIT BRENTERS AGAIN

PHOTO OF BLACK HOLE NOT AS INTERESTING AS EXPECTED

ASSANGE PLEADS ‘NOT GUILTY’ WHICH HE COULD HAVE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE

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