GOVERNMENT’S DARWIN AWARDS TO DIE FOR
Federal government ministers are winning Darwin Awards for selecting themselves for extinction without anyone’s help.
Christopher ‘Complete & Utter’ Pyne won the Least-Moderate Moderate Award.
“He threw himself overboard before Peter Dutton could get to him first,” said a government spokeswoman wearing Floaties. “But he was too lightweight to stop the ship sinking.
“Our policy of ’women and children first’ didn’t work. We have no women to throw the children overboard.”
Political footnote PM Scott ‘Happy-Flapper’ Morrison won the Most Implausible Award for his ludicrous defibrillation of Malcolm Turnbull’s Climate Solutions Fund, making a hash of rehashing failed policies of hash-beens.
Former Permanent Deputy PM Julie Bishop won the Most Least Likely Award for remaining imminent for so long.
Sacked ABC managing director Michelle Guthrie was paid $730,000 to drop her legal case against the national broadcaster.
The ABC was forced to reveal the figure after MPs invoked parliamentary privilege during a break from their Sky News commitments.
An ABC spokesman with a Kim Jong-un haircut denied taxpayers deserved to know how much Ms Guthrie was paid.
“It’s not ‘Your ABC’ in the sense that it’s your ABC. When it comes to the ABC, MYOB.”
Australia’s last surviving anti-vaccine activists have scoffed, coughed and wheezed at a new Danish study proving the Mumps-Measles-Rubella vaccine does not increase the risk of autism in children.
Researchers who studied 650,000 babies born in Denmark found there is absolutely no association.
“The Danes aren’t that great,” said ‘Vaccine Maxine’, an anti-vaxxer non-chin-waxer. “We deserve a voice (between bouts of coughing and hospital visits).”
“Research is bogus!” said a home-schooled quinoa-licking spokesman in an iron lung.
“Alternatives to alternative facts make my skin crawl and come out in spots.”
EX-TERRORIST WANTS MORE VIRGINS
The ghost of a horny terrorist has complained that 76 virgins is not enough for eternity.
“It was great for 76 days, a virgin every day. But now I am stuck in Heaven with 76 ghosts who know I have slept with the other 75.
“Awkward! I’m doomed to spend the rest of all time making lame excuses about how the others mean nothing to me. It’s Hell.”
In other news…
TAROT CARDS ACCURATELY PREDICTED THIS IN A VAGUE, ROUNDABOUT WAY
IN THE FUTURE EVERYBODY WILL BE PM FOR 15 MINUTES
RICHARD DI NATALE ASKS ‘HOW GREEN IS MY WATERMELON?’
SKEPTIC ADMITS HE FAKED ALL THE CONSPIRACY THEORIES
DUE TO ABC FUNDING CUTS BANANAS GO NAKED