COHEN, COHEN, GONE

Donald Trump’s former personal lawyer Michael Cohen claims he is telling the truth about the lies he told before, when he said he was telling the truth … which he wasn’t.

A desperate Democrat voter who will believe anything said: “I believe it!”

The former Trump insider (now jail insider) described the US President as a “conman” and a “cheat” as if it’s worth mentioning.

Speaking under oath (like the oath under which he spoke last time, when he lied), Mr Cohen said Mr Trump ordered him to pay hush money to adult film star Stormy Daniels. But a Whitehouse spokesman said: “The President never had sexual relations with that woman.  Or that woman. Or that one …”

PM CAPTAIN’S PICKLE

Legendary legend Ita Buttrose has been installed as ABC chair by deckchair re-arranger PM Scott Morrison.

His blunder became immediately clear when Ita vowed to fight for the national broadcaster’s independence and more funding.

“Oops!” said an ABC insider wishing to remain anonymous, which is convenient because he’s on ABC’s Insiders. “Everyone loves Ita. So Scomover can’t pick on the ABC without picking on Ita. When he works that out, he’ll be happy-slapping his forehead.”

Rumoured Ita innovations date back to her days as editor for Cleo magazine. ABC News will include veteran actor Jack Thompson naked.

A card-carrying member of Comrades of the ABC said: “Unfortunately, the Ita revolution will be televised free-to-air on the ABC, so it’ll be missed by everyone under the age of 80.”

SHOOTERS, FISHERS AND FARMERS PARTY TO INCLUDE HIPSTERS

“We can have it all! With quinoa!” said a gun-toting cow cocky holding a dead yabby on a hook. As the New South Wales State election soars to room temperature, voters are being chased by minor parties full of minor talents.

“No thanks,” said a hipster Save The Trees spokesman dressed like a lumberjack.

The hayseed-sucking fisherman grabbed his grenade launcher (for vermin only) and lit a stick of dynamite.

“Give a hipster a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a hipster to fish and he’ll stop eating vegan.”

In other news …

PM ANNOUNCES ABBOTT CLIMATE POLICY AS IF HE WANTS TO

TRUMP & KIM JONG-UN CELEBRATE ‘BEST NO-DEAL EVER!’

CASINO SAYS GAMBLE RESPONSIBLY & DON’T STOP ‘TIL YOU’RE BROKE

PM ‘RE-PURPOSES’ NDIS FUNDING BEFORE BEING ‘RE-PURPOSED’ BY VOTERS

NATUROPATH CURES HYPOCHONDRIAC