News National The Ferguson Report: ISIS miffed that Trump rates Alec Baldwin a bigger threat
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The Ferguson Report: ISIS miffed that Trump rates Alec Baldwin a bigger threat

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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Trump calls Alec Baldwin ‘Enemy of the People’ outraging actual Enemy of the People

US President-Between-Meals Donald Trump has accused comedy show Saturday Night Live of being an “ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE”.

Mr Trump posted his all-caps, too-busy-for-grammar tweet after Alec Baldwin satirised Mr Trump’s border wall crisis-what-crisis.

But America’s actual ‘enemies of the people’ (ISIS, the KKK and billionaires with time on their hands) have complained the term is losing all meaning.

“This suggests ’Enemies of the people’ will let anyone in,” said an evil spokesman in black balaclava and harem pants. “Worse, Baldwin’s POTUS is not even a real person.

“We put in the hours, plotting, scheming, hating,” said a KKK spokesman who shall remain nameless, faceless and illiterate. “And this is the thanks we get? I’m so angry I could ruin a bedsheet and pointlessly kill someone.”

Mr Trump meant to tweet ‘ENEMY OF THE PERSON’, claiming that his government is “Of the Person, by the Person, for the Person”.

Stark Reality TV

TBC PM Scott ‘Scomomentary’ Morrison has announced a $17 million package to broadcast commercial television throughout our region.

A government spokeswoman said: “Nothing will deter boat people like binge-watching Married At First Sight.”

Mike Mrdak, Department of Communications and the Arts secretary (which is an actual job), insisted the idea is a thing, no really.

But Greens Senator Sarah Hanson-Young expressed her outrage. Again.

Australian commercial networks have begun developing reality programs for our regional neighbours: My Detention Camp Rules, My Big Fat Obnoxious People Smuggler and There’s Something About Manus.

New Zealand has refused to broadcast Maori-ed At First Sight.

Bernie down the house

US Democrats are scrambling over each other to become the next failed candidate for the US Presidency.

Democrat-ish Senator Bernie Sanders has announced he will challenge President Donald Trump, because life is short when you’re 77 years old.

If Sanders runs (which he physically can’t) and wins (which he realistically won’t), he will revive the presidency with the vigour of a new, old, white man.

Sanders promises free everything.

Senator Elizabeth Warren promises expensive everything.

Senator Amy Klobuchar is a ‘pragmatist’, so she promises nothing (within practical limits).

They all say Amazon will pay for it.

The Democrat candidates claim honesty and policies win votes. They may not have noticed the last election.

In other news…

JULIE BISHOP RESIGNS ON MERIT

CHIROPRACTOR SHAKES BABY

PARENT PAID CHIROPRACTOR TO SHAKE BABY

BABY AS OUTRAGED AS YOU ARE

CHINA BANS AUSTRALIAN COAL BECAUSE THEY’RE LEFTIE COMMO HIPPIES

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