News National The French connection that will save us from invasion … in 2034
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The French connection that will save us from invasion … in 2034

Tim Ferguson fake news
Comedian Tim Ferguson's take on the news of the week. Photo: TND
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TRUMP WORK ETHIC TAKES ‘EXECUTIVE TIME’

Shutdown President Donald Trump denied he spends much of his day on Twitter. He did so via Twitter. Seriously.

An unnamed man who proudly claims to be Mr Trump’s ‘Most Ignored Adviser’ said: “POTUS spends large amounts of ‘executive time’.

“That is not like the ‘executive time’ he spent in his bedroom as a teenager.  It’s when he confers with America’s most powerful men – Sean Hannity and Vladimir Putin.”

THE LION, THE WITCH & THE WTF

Liberal frontbenchers are backing away slowly from Defence Minister Christopher Pyne.

Mr Pyne compared once-and-future-former-PM Malcolm Turnbull to ‘Aslan’, C.S. Lewis’s lion character in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

“Malcolm is Aslan to me,” said Mr Pyne as he nibbled Turkish Delight.

A government spokeswoman said: “Fear not, minions! The Defence Minister is in talks with Narnia.”

Though Mr Pyne likened Labor to an evil army of goblins, for once the Liberals avoided calling anyone a wicked witch.

CHRISTMAS ISLAND NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS

Cut-Down-In-His-Prime Minister Scott Morrison plans to reopen the Christmas Island detention centre.

The Prime Minister’s Office denied this would send a signal to people smugglers that Australia’s borders have more holes than a Darwin road sign.

“People smugglers are like budgie smugglers – kick them and they go north.”

A government spokeswoman rearranging deckchairs at the bottom of the ocean sang, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Nauru.”

The spokeswoman denied our treatment of refugees is inhumane.

“The refugees on Manus are as happy as anyone being tormented as a warning to others. Do They Know It’s Christmas? No, they’re not allowed Wi-Fi.”

SUB STANDARD

Australia’s new fleet of French submarines is due in 2034.

A Defence Department guesswork specialist said: “2034 is 10 years after we’ve been invaded. Unless America has already sold us to China in a fire sale.”

A spokesman in a fashionable French T-shirt said: “Until then, let’s say we’re armed to the teeth with a fleet of invisible underwater vessels. What’s the difference?”

ONE-NATION IN HALF-NELSON

Pauline Hanson’s chief of staff James Ashby has been boxed out of Parliament house after he and former One Nation senator Brian Burston had an ‘altercation’.

“They were altercating like crazy,” said a One Nation wrestling trainer. “All the classic wrestling manoeuvres – the Flailing Finger Flap and Clumsy Camera Clasp …”

Next week, tune in for Divided Nation Wrestling with “Hulk Bogan V Raging Bulltwang”.

In other news…

LUCKY COUNTRY OF LARRIKINS EASILY SPOOKED BY SCARE CAMPAIGNS

PRINCE PHILIP SURRENDERS LICENCE TO DRIVE DANGEROUSLY

GOVT FILIBUSTED

TRUMP DECLARES HIMSELF A NATIONAL EMERGENCY

 LABOR PARTY LOOKING FOR NEW WAYS TO SCREW IT UP

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