News National The Ferguson Report: Govt banking that you’ll lose interest in corporate crooks
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The Ferguson Report: Govt banking that you’ll lose interest in corporate crooks

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Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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ROYAL 10 PER CENT COMMISSION PLUS UNSEEN CHARGES

The banking royal commission’s report has loudly landed on a whoopee cushion.

The report has already caused resignations from two bosses of NABBED Bank.

A government spokeswoman hiding in an ATM said: “We regret banking in public.”

The royal commission discovered the financial sector has been guilty of theft, fraud and pilfering the accounts of the dead.

A complete and utter banker tearfully admitted: “I charge dead people.”

The banking royal commission’s final report included 76 proposals, mostly for marriage or Tinder liaisons.

One customer remains confident his bank will answer his phone call.

“I’ve been on hold for two years. The bank’s recorded message says they value my call and thank me for my patience. See? They care!”

The decision to lay criminal charges is up to the Australian Securities and Investments Commission and the Australian Prudential Regulation Authority and other meaningless terms. ASIC and APRA are the same government bodies which ignored the transgressions in the first place, so confidence is high.

Fake journalists tried contacting ASIC yesterday but were told: “Shh! Afternoon is our sleepy time.”

GOVT TAKES CREDIT FOR RESISTING THE INEVITABLE

The ‘Blink & You’ll Miss It’ Morrison government claims credit for the banking royal commission, like it claims credit for introducing gay marriage.

“It’s the way we strenuously resist things that gets them across the line,” said a spokesman for the Treasurer, Josh ‘My Other Hairdo Is Astroturf’ Frydenberg.

“Gay marriage would never have happened if we hadn’t put on our gumboots and pushed back.”

As Treasurer, Scott ‘Scomoverthecracks’ Morrison scorned the banking inquiry as “a populist whinge”, “hot air” and a “stunt”.

“The PM stands by his words,” said a spokeswoman. “So long as the words are replaced with opposite words.”

GENDER MENDERS GET BENT

Victorian Premier Daniel ‘Easy As Taking Candy From A Union’ Andrews has pledged to criminalise gay conversion therapy.

The abnormal practice uses techniques to suppress a person’s sexuality, despite its obvious inability to do so. It tries to convert gay people to ludicrous-if-you-think-about-it hetero hanky-panky, using counselling, hypnosis and exorcism.

A prudish God-stalking gent (ironically from Queensland) said: “My body is a temple with no entrances.” The professional ‘Sexorcist’ said: “The Devil wears sparkly bike shorts.

“In the old days, the only professions for the guiltily gay were the priesthood and Greco/Roman cage-fighting,” said a spokesman for Gender Menders Holiday Camps That Are Not Camp.

“I’m the only psychologically revamped ex-gay with conversion-therapy-caused suicidal tendencies in the village. And I’m loving it!.”

In other news…

DEAD TERRORIST DIDN’T THINK IT THROUGH

TRUMP CLAIMS THE WORLD IS IN GOOD, TINY HANDS

GAME OF THRONES DRAGON HARMED DURING FILMING

DESIGNER MISTAKENLY CLAIMS FASHION IS GOOD VALUE

YOGA SESSION SURPRISINGLY FARTLESS

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