The Ferguson Report: The porkiness of Clive Palmer’s spam texts

Tim Ferguson
Jan 18, 2019, updated Oct 30, 2020

Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND

UNAUSTRALIA DAY

Future former PM Scott Morrison has ordered a strict dress code for Australia Day ceremonies, including banning board shorts and thongs.

One bloke said: “But these are my good thongs!”

“We’re taking the Australia out of Australia Day,” said a government spokeswoman under a blanket. “There will be no drunken staggering, no boob-toob leering, no Exorcist-style spraying of beer-bile, or wind-passing above two decibels.”

One government minister who inadvertently remains nameless said: “If you don’t like it, go back to where you came from. But if you come from Australia, move to Tasmania. If you come from Tasmania, show us your visa.”

The spokeswoman warned citizenship applicants: “Racist taunts are allowed only after you have been nationalised. After that, knock yourself out.”

To avoid giving the wrong message, people must not wrap themselves in an Australian flag.

WATCHED AT FIRST SIGHT

The Marriage At First Sight finale was the most-watched TV show of 2018, with 1.8 million viewers.

A free-to-air TV network executive in a life jacket with a whistle to attract attention said: “As we rush for the lifeboats, we’ll grab anything that floats in the bowl. We are keen to create more format franchise floaters, such as:

Pregnant At First Sight

Prime Minister At First Sight

Au Pairs & South African Farmers Given Citizenship At First Sight

“We wish the makers of the Opal building had waited for our construction pilot Building Approval At First Site.

Around 10,000 singles applied to be part of the show. Strangely, those singles remain single.

CLIVE SPAM TASTES ‘PORKY’

One-third of voting Australians has been “spammed” by billionaire Clive ‘Spam I Am’ Palmer. The United Australia Pajalmer-Party sent a series of text messages making outlandish, but extravagant, campaign promises.

A Queensland man in a T-shirt declaring “I Sleep I Vote” spoke to the farmyard animals assembled in the back of his ’89 Corolla.

“Clive gets my vote,” he said. “Twenty per cent tax cuts for the bushy regions? It’s downright vajazzling.”

Another voter, surprisingly also from Queensland, said: “Clive’s spam was delicious. I can really taste the porkiness.”

“It’s all a bit spam-fisted,” said a woman who collects all the parties’ How-To-Vote cards on election day before casting an informal vote.

“A super-hyper-mildly-fast rail trip from Sydney to Canberra? Why text me about that? The real vote winner will be a fast train out of Canberra to anywhere.”